BILL  NYE: 


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Comic  History  of  England 

^HEREIN  WILL  BE  FOUND  A  RECITAL  OF  THE  MANY 
EVENTFUL  EVENTS  WHICH  TRANSPIRED  IN  ENGLAND 
FROM  THE  DRUIDS  TO  HENRY  VIII.  THE  AUTHOR 
DOES  NOT  FEEL  IT  INCUMBENT  ON  HIM  TO  PRESERVE 
MORE  THAN  THE  DATES  AND  FACTS,  AND 
THESE  ARE  CORRECT.  BUT  THE  LIGHTS  AND  SHADES 
OF  THE  VARIOUS  PICTURES  AND  THE  ORNAMENTAL 
WORDS  FURNISHED  TO  ADORN  THE  CHARACTERS 
AND  EVENTS  ARE  THE  SOLE  INVENTION  OF  THIS 
HISTORIAN. 


King  Richard  traveling  incog,  through  Germany 

ILLUSTRATED  BY 
W.  W.  GOODES  &  A.  M.  RICHARDS 


Thompson  &  Thomas 

Chicago,  III, 


^, 


^^d>/:i/ 


Copyright  1896 

by 

J.  B.  LippiNcoTT  Company 


Copyright  1906 

by 

Thompson  &  Thomas 


A/'f 


Z^    -J^ 


PREFACE. 


THE  readers  of  this  volume  will  share  our 
regret  that  the  preface  cannot  be  written 
by  Mr.  Nye,  who  would  have  introduced  his 
volume  with  a  characteristically  appropriate  and 
humorous  foreword  in  perfect  harmony  with  the 
succeeding  narrative. 

We  need  only  say  that  this  work  is  in  the  au- 
thor's best  vein,  and  will  prove  not  only  amusing, 
but  instructive  as  well ;  for  the  events,  succes- 
sions, dates,  etc.,  are  correct,  and  the  trend  of 
actual  facts  is  adhered  to.  Of  course,  these  facts 
are  "embellished,"  as  Mr.  Nye  would  say,  by  his 
fancy,  and  the  leading  historical  characters  are 
made  to  play  in  fantastic  roles.  Underneath  all, 
however,  a  shrewd  knowledge  of  human  nature 
is  betrayed,  which  unmasks  motives  and  reveals 
the  true  inwardness  of  men  and  events  with  a 
humorous  fidelity. 

The  unfortunate  illness  to  which  Mr.  Nye 
finally  succumbed  prevented  the  completion  of 
his  history  beyond  the  marriage  of  Henry  VIII. 
to  Anne  Boleyn. 

5 

"734857 


TABLE   OF   CONTENTS, 


CHAPTER    I. 

PAGB 

Invasion  of  C^sar  :  The  Discovery  of  Tin  and  Consequent 
Enlightenment  of  Britain 13 


CHAPTER    II. 
The  Various  Roman  Yokes:  their  Growth,  Degeneration, 

AND  Final  Elimination 23 

CHAPTER    III. 
The  Advent  of  the   Angles:    Causes  which   led  to  the 

Rehabilitation  of  Britain  on  New  Lines 32 

CHAPTER    IV. 
The   Influx  of  the   Danes:   Facts  showing  conclusively 

their  Influence  on  the  Briton  of  To-Day 42 

CHAPTER    V. 
The    Troublous    Middle    Ages:    Demonstrating   a    Short 

RtiGN  for  Those  who  travel  at  a  Royal  Gait    ...      50 

CHAPTER    VI. 
The  Danish  Oligarchy:   Disaffections  attending  Chronic 

Usurpation  Proclivities 59 

7 


8  TABLE  OF  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER    VII. 

PAGB 

Other  Disagreeable  Claimants:  Foreign  Foibles  intro- 
duced, ONLY  TO  be  expunged  WITH  CHARACTERISTIC  PUG- 
NACITY         68 

CHAPTER    VIII. 
The  Norman  Conquest  :  Complex  Commingling  of  Facetious 
Accord  and  Implacable  Discord 80 

CHAPTER    IX. 

The  Feudal  System:  Successful  Inauguration  of  Homoge- 
NEAL  Methods  for  restricting  Incompatible  Dema- 
gogues         91 

CHAPTER    X. 
The  Age  of  Chivalry  :  Light  Dissertation  on  the  Knights- 
Errant,  Maids,  Fools,  Prelates,  and  other  Notorious 
Characters  of  that  Period 99 

CHAPTER    XL 
Conquest  of  Ireland:   Uncomfortable   Effects  following 

the  Cultivation  of  an  Acquisitorial  Propensity  ...    113 

CHAPTER    Xll. 
Magna  Charta  introduced:   Slight   Difficulties   encoun- 
tered IN  overcoming  an  Unpopular  and  Unreasonable 
Prejudice .    123 

CHAPTER    XIIL 
Further     Disagreements     recorded:     Illustrating     the 
Amiability  of  the  Jew   and  the   Perversity  of  the 
Scot ,33 


TABLE   OF  CONTENTS.  9 

CHAPTER    XIV. 

PAGE 

Irritability  of  the  French:  Interminable  Dissension,  as- 
sisted BY  THE  Plague,  continues  reducing  the  Popula- 
tion         c 141 

CHAPTER    XV. 

More  Sanguinary  Triumphs:  Onward  March  of  Civiliza- 
tion Graphically  delineated  with  the  Historian's 
Usual  Completeness 152 

CHAPTER    XVI. 
Unpleasant  Caprices  of  Royalty:  Introduction  of  Print- 
ing as  a  Subsidiary  Aid  in  the  Progress  of  Emanci- 
pation    165 

CHAPTER    XVII. 
Biography  of  Richard  III. :   Being  an  Allegorical  Pane- 
gyric OF  THE   Incontrovertible   Machinations  of  an 
Egotistical  Usurper 174 

CHAPTER    XVIII. 
Disorder  Still  the  Popular  Fad:   General  Admixture  of 
Pretenders,  Religion,  Politics,  and  Disgruntled  Mon- 
ARCHs 182 


Appendix 


195 


f'    »  \Vh 


CHAPTER    I. 


INVASION    OF    C^SAR  :     THE    DISCOVERY    OF    TIN    AND 
CONSEQUENT    ENLIGHTENMENT   OF   BRITAIN. 


F 


BUST   OF  C^SAR. 


ROM  the  glad  whinny 
of  the  first  unicorn 
down  to  the  tip  end 
of  the  nineteenth  century, 
the  history  of  Great  Britain 
has  been  dear  to  her  de- 
scendants in  every  land, 
'neath  every  sky. 

But  to  write  a  truthful  and 
honest  history  of  any  coun- 
try the  historian  should,  that 
he  may  avoid  overpraise  and 
silly  and  mawkish  sentiment,  reside  in  a  foreign 
country,  or  be  so  situated  that  he  may  put  on  a 
false  moustache  and  get  away  as  soon  as  the 
advance  copies  have  been  sent  to  the  printers. 

The  writer  of  these  pages,  though  of  British 
descent,  will,  in  what  he  may  say,  guard  carefully 
against  permitting  that  fact  to  swerve  him  for  one 
swift  moment  from  the  right. 

England  even  before  Christ,  as  now,  was  a  sort 
of  money  centre,  and  thither  came  the  Phoenicians 
and  the  Carthaginians  for  their  tin. 

2  13 


INVASION  OF  CjESAR. 


tS 


These  early  Britons  were  suitable  only  to  act 
as  ancestors.  Aside  from  that,  they  had  no  good 
points.  They  dwelt  in  mud  huts  thatched  with 
straw.  They  had  no  currency  and  no  ventilation, 
— no  drafts,  in  other  words.     Their  boats  were 


CiESAR   CROSSING  THE   CHANNEL. 


made  of  wicker-work  plastered  with  clay.  Their 
swords  were  made  of  tin  alloyed  with  copper, 
and  after  a  brief  skirmish,  the  entire  army  had 
to  fall  back  and  straighten  its  blades. 

They  also  had  short  spears  made  with  a  raw- 
hide string  attached,  so  that  the  deadly  weapon 
could  be  jerked  back  again.     To  spear  an  enemy 


i6 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


C^SAR  TREATING  WITH   THE  BRITONS. 


with  one  of  these  harpoons,  and  then,  after  playing 
him  for  half  an  hour  or  so,  to  land  him  and  finish 
him  up  with  a  tin  sword,  constituted  one  of  the 
most  reliable  boons  peculiar  to  that  strange  people. 

Csesar  first  came  to  Great  Britain  on  account 
of  a  bilious  attack.  On  the  way  across  the  chan- 
nel a  violent  storm  came  up.  The  great  emperor 
and  pantata  believed  he  was  drowning,  so  that  in 
an  instant's  time  everything  throughout  his  whole 
lifetime  recurred  to  him  as  he  went  down, — es- 
pecially his  breakfast. 

Purchasing  a  four-in-hand  of  docked  unicorns, 
and  much  improved  in  health,  he  returned  to 
Rome. 

Agriculture    had   a   pretty   hard   start   among 


INVASION  OF  C^SAR. 


17 


these  people,  and  where  now  the  glorious  fields 
of  splendid  pale  and  billowy  oatmeal  may  be 
seen  interspersed  with  every  kind  of  domestic 
and  imported  fertilizer  in  cunning  little  hillocks 
just  bursting  forth  into  fragrance  by  the  roadside, 
then  the  vast  island  was  a  quaking  swamp  or 
covered  by  impervious  forests  of  gigantic  trees, 
up  which  with  coarse  and  shameless  glee  would 
scamper  the  nobility. 

(Excuse  the  rhythm  into  which  I  may  now  and 
then  drop  as  the  plot  develops. — Author.) 

Caesar  later  on  made  more  invasions :  one  of 
them  for  the  purpose  of  returning  his  team  and 
flogging  a  Druid  with  whom  he  had  disagreed  re- 
ligiously on  a  former  trip.  (He  had  also  bought 
his  team  of  the  Druid.) 

The  Druids  were  the  sheriffs,  priests,  judges, 
chiefs     of    police,     plumbers, 
and    justices    of    the 


PLOUGHING  51   B.C. 

a* 


1» 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


They  practically  ran  the  place,  and  no  one  could 
be  a  Druid  who  could  not  pass  a  civil  service 
examination. 

They  believed  in  human  sacrifice,  and  often  of 
a  bright  spring  morning  could  have  been  seen 


DKUID  SACRIFICES. 


going  out  behind  the  bush  to  sacrifice  some  one 
who  disagreed  with  them  on  some  religious  point 
or  other. 

The  Druids  largely  lived  in  the  woods  in  sum- 
mer and  in  debt  during  the  winter.  They  wor- 
shipped almost  everything  that  had  been  left  out 


INVASION  OF  C^SAR. 


19 


overnight,  and  their  motto  was,  "  Never  do  any- 
thing unless  you  feel  like  it  very  much  indeed." 

Caesar  was  a  broad  man 
from  a  religious  point  of 
view,  and  favored  bringing 
the  Druids  before  the  grand 
jury.  For  uttering  sucn  sen- 
timents as  these  the  Druids 
declared  his  life  to  be  for- 
feit, and  set  one  of  their 
number  to  settle  also  with 
him  after  morning  services 
the  question  as  to  the  mat- 
ter of  immersion  and  sound 
money. 

Religious  questions  were 
even  then  as  hotly  discussed 
as  in  later  times,  and  Caesar 
could  not  enjoy  society  very 
much  for  five  or  six  days. 

At  Stonehenge  there  are 
still  relics  of  a  stone  temple 
which  the  Druids  used  as  a 
place  of  idolatrous  worship 

and  assassination.  On  Giblet  Day  people  came 
for  many  miles  to  see  the  exercises  and  carry 
home  a  few  cutlets  of  intimate  friends. 

After  this  Rome  sent  over  various  great  Fed- 
eral appointees  to  soften  and  refine  the  people. 


'  ^x:^-^ 


MONUMENT  OF  AGRICULTURE,  OR   ANCIENT 
SCARECROW. 


20 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


AGRICOLA   ENCOURAGES   AGRICULTURE, 


Among   them   came    General   Agricola 
with    a    new    kind    of    seed-corn    and 
his    heart. 

He  taught  the  bare- 
footed Briton  to  go  out 
to  the  pump  every  even- 
ing and  bathe  his  chapped 
and  soil-kissed  feet  and 
wipe  them  on  the  grass 
before  retiring,  thus  in- 
troducing one  of  the  re- 
finements of  Rome  in  this 
cold  and  barbaric  clime. 

Along  about  the  be- 
ginning of  the  Christian 
'"Erie,"  says  an  elderly  Englishman,  the  Queen 
Boadicea  got  so  disgusted  with  the  Romans  who 
carried  on  there  in  England  just  as  they  had  been 
in  the  habit  of  doing  at  home, — cutting  up  like  a 
hallo  we' en  party  in  its  junior  year, — that  she  got 
her  Britons  together,  had  a  steel  dress  made  to 
fight  in  comfortably  and  not  tight  under  the  arms, 
then  she  said,  ''  Is  there  any  one  here  who  hath  a 
culverin  with  him  ?"  One  was  soon  found  and 
fired.  This  by  the  Romans  was  regarded  as  an 
opening  of  hostilities.  Her  fire  was  returned 
with  great  eagerness,  and  victory  was  won  in  the 
city  of  London  over  the  Romans,  who  had  taunted 
the  queen  several  times  with  being  seven  years 


INVASION  OF  CJESAR.  21 

behind  the  beginning  of  the  Christian  Era  in  the 
matter  of  clothes. 

Boadicea  won  victories  by  the  score,  and  it  is 
said  that  under  the  besom  of  her  wrath  seventy 
thousand  Roman  warriors  kissed  the  dust.     As 


ROMAN  COAT  OF  ARMS. 


she  waved  her  sceptre  in  token  of  victory  the 
hat-pin  came  out  of  her  crown,  and  wildly  throw- 
ing the  "old  hot  thing"  at  the  Roman  general, 
she  missed  him  and  unhorsed  her  own  chaperon. 

Disgusted  with  war  and  the  cooking  they  were 
having  at  the  time,  she  burst  into  tears  just  on 


22 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


the  eve  of  a  general  victory  over  the  Romans  and 
poisoned  herself. 


DEATH    OF   BOADICEA. 


N.B. — Many  thanks  are  due  to  the  author,  Mr.  A.  Barber,  for  the  use 
of  his  works  entitled  "  Half-Hours  with  Crowned  Heads"  and  «•  Thoughts 
on  Shaving  Dead  People  on  Whom  One  Has  Never  Called,"  cloth,  gilt  top. 

I  notice  an  error  in  the  artist's  work  which  will  be  apparent  to  any  one 
of  moderate  intelligence,  and  especially  to  the  Englishman, — viz.,  that  the 
tin  discovered  by  the  Phoenicians  is  in  the  form  of  cans,  etc.,  formerly  hav- 
ing contained  tinned  meats,  fruits,  etc.  This  book,  I  fear,  will  be  sharply 
criticised  in  England  if  any  inaccuracy  be  permitted  to  creep  in,  even 
through  the  illustrations.  It  is  disagreeable  to  fall  out  thus  early  with 
one's  artist,  but  the  writer  knows  too  well,  and  the  sting  yet  burns  and 
rankles  in  his  soul  where  pierced  the  poisoned  dart  of  an  English  clergy- 
man two  years  ago.  The  writer  had  spoken  of  Julius  Caesar's  invasion  of 
Britain  for  the  purpose  of  replenishing  the  Roman  stock  of  umbrellas,  top- 
coats, and  "  loydies,"  when  the  clergyman  said,  politely  but  ,very  firmly, 
"that  England  then  had  no  top-coats  or  umbrellas."  The  writer  would 
not  have  cared,  had  there  not  been  others  present. 


CHAPTER    II. 

THE  VARIOUS  ROMAN  YOKES  :    THEIR  GROWTH,  DEGEN- 
ERATION, AND    FINAL   ELIMINATION. 

AGRICOLA  no  doubt  made  the  Roman  yoke 
easier  upon  the  necks  of  the  conquered 
people,  and  suggested  the  rotation  of 
crops.  He  also  invaded  Caledonia  and  captured 
quite  a  number  of  Scotchmen,  whom  he  took 
home  and  domesticated. 

Afterwards,  in  121  a.d.,  the  emperor  Hadrian 
was  compelled  to  build  a  wall  to  keep  out  the 
still  unconquered  Caledonians.  This  is  called 
the  **  Picts'  Wall,"  and  a  portion  of  it  still  exists. 
Later,  in  208  a.d.,  Severus  built  a  solid  wall  of 
stone  along  this  line,  and  for  seventy  years  there 
was  peace  between  the  two  nations. 

Towards  the  end  of  the  third  century  Carau- 
sius,  who  was  appointed  to  the  thankless  task 
of  destroying  the  Saxon  pirates,  shook  off  his 
allegiance  to  the  emperor  Diocletian,  joined  the 
pirates  and  turned  out  Diocletian,  usurping  the 
business  management  of  Britain  for  some  years. 
But,  alas !  he  was  soon  assassinated  by  one  of 

23 


24 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


ASSASSINATION  OF  CARAUSIUS. 


his  own  officers  before  he 
could  call  for  help,  and  the 
assassin  succeeded  him.  In 
those  days  assassination  and 
inauguration  seemed  to  go 
hand-in-hand. 

After  Constantius,  who 
died  306  A.D.,  came  Con- 
stantine  the  Great,  his  son 
by  a  British  princess. 

Under  Constantine 
peace  again  reigned,  but 
the  Irish,  who  desired  to 
free  Ireland  even  if  they 
had  to  go  abroad  and 
neglect  their  business  for  that  purpose,  used  to 
invade  Constantine' s  territory,  getting  him  up 
at  all  hours  of  the  night  and  demanding  that  he 
should  free  Ireland. 

These  men  were  then  called  Picts,  hence  the 
expression  ''picked  men."  They  annoyed  Con- 
stantine by  coming  over  and  trying  to  introduce 
Home  Rule  into  the  home  of  the  total  stranger. 

The  Scots  also  made  turbulent  times  by  harass- 
ing Constantine  and  seeking  to  introduce  their 
ultra-religious  belief  at  the  muzzle  of  the  cross- 
gun. 

Trouble  now  came  in  the  latter  part  of  the 
fourth  century  a.d.,  caused  by  the  return  of  the 


THE   VARIOUS  ROMAN  YOKES. 

regular  Roman 
army,  which 
went  back  to 
Rome  to  de- 
fend the  Im- 
perial   City 
from  the  Goths 
who  sought  to 
''stable   their 
stock   in   the 
palace  of  the  Caesars,'* 
as  the  historian  so  tersely  puts  it. 

In    418   A.D.,  the   Roman   forces 
came  up  to  London  for  the  summer, 
and  repelled  the  Scots  and  Picts, 
but  soon  returned  to  Rome,  leav- 
ing the  provincial  people  of  London 
with  disdain.     Many  of  the  Roman 
officers    while    in    Britain    had    their 
clothes    made    in    Rome,    and    some 
even  had  their  linen  returned  every 
thirty  days  and  washed  in  the  Tiber. 

In  446  A.D.,  the  Britons  were  ex- 
tremely unhappy. 
''The  barba- 
rians throw 
us  into  the 
sea  and  the 
sea   returns 


THB   PICTS   INCtJI.CATING    HOME    RULH    PRINCIPLES. 


26 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


US  to  the  barbarians,"  they 
ejaculated  in  their  petition 
to  the  conquering  Romans. 
But  the  latter  were  too  busy 
fighting   the   Huns  to  send  N\ 

troops,   and   in   desperation ^^Ay 


IRRITABILITY  OF  THE  BARBARIAN. 


THE    VARIOUS  ROMAN   YOKES. 


27 


the  Britons  formed  an  alliance  with  Hengist  and 
Horsa,  two  Saxon  travelling  men  who,  in  449  a.d., 
landed  on  the  island  of  Thanet,  and  thus  ended 
the  Roman  dominion  over  Britain. 


LANDING    OF    HENGIST   AND    HORSA. 


The  Saxons  were  at  that  time  a  coarse  people. 
They  did  not  allow  etiquette  to  interfere  with 
their  methods  of  taking  refreshment,  and,  though 
it  pains  the  historian  at  all  times  to  speak  unkindly 
of  his  ancestors  who  have  now  passed  on  to  their 
reward,  he  is  compelled  to  admit  that  as  a  people 
the  Saxons  may  be  truly  characterized  as  a  great 
National  Appetite. 

During  the  palmy  days  when  Rome  superin- 


28 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND, 


tended  the  collecting  of  customs  and  regulated 
the   formation    of  corporations,  the   mining  and 


DISCOMFORTS   OF   THE    EARLY    LABOR    AGITATOR. 

smelting  of  jron  were  extensively  carried  on  and 
the  "walking  delegate"  was  invented.  The  ac- 
companying illustration  shows  an  ancient  strike. 


THE    VARIOUS  ROMAN  YOKES.  29 

Rome  no  doubt  did  much  for  England,  for  at 
that  time  the  Imperial  City  had  384  streets,  56,567 
palaces,  80  golden  statues,  2785  bronze  statues 
of  former  emperors  and  officers,  41  theatres, 
2291  prisons,  and  2300  perfumery  stores.  She 
was  in  the  full  flood  of  her  prosperity,  and  had 
aboiit  4,000,000  inhabitants. 

In  those  days  a  Roman  Senator  could  not  live 
on  less  than  $80,000  per  year,  and  Marcus  An- 
tonius,  who  owed  $1,500,000  on  his  inaugural, 
March  15,  paid  it  up  March  17,  and  afterwards 
cleared  $720,000,000.  This  he  did  by  the  strict- 
est economy,  which  he  managed  to  have  attended 
to  by  the  peasantry. 

Even  a  literary  man  in  Rome  could  amass 
property,  and  Seneca  died  worth  $12,000,000. 
Those  were  the  flush  times  in  Rome,  and  Eng- 
land no  doubt  was  greatly  benefited  thereby ; 
but,  alas!  "money  matters  became  scarce,"  and 
the  poor  Briton  was  forced  to  associate  with  the 
delirium  tremens  and  massive  digestion  of  the 
Saxon,  who  floated  in  a  vast  ocean  of  lard  and 
wassail  during  his  waking  hours  and  slept  with 
the  cunning  little  piglets  at  night.  His  earthen 
floors  were  carpeted  with  straw  and  frescoed  with 
bones. 

Let  us  not  swell  with  pride  as  we  refer  to  our 
ancestors,  whose  lives  were  marked  by  an  eternal 
combat  between  malignant  alcoholism  and  trichi- 


THE    VARIOUS  ROMAN   YOKES.  3 1 

nosis.  Many  a  Saxon  would  have  filled  a  drunk- 
ard's grave,  but  w^abbled  so  in  his  gait  that  he 
walked  past  it  and  missed  it. 

To  drink  from  tHe  skulls  of  their  dead  enemies 
was  a  part  of  their  religion,  and  there  were  no 
heretics  among  them.* 

Christianity  was  introduced  into  Britain  during 
the  second  century,  and  later  under  Diocletian 
the  Christians  were  greatly  persecuted.  Chris- 
tianity did  not  come  from  Rome,  it  is  said,  but 
from  Gaul.  Among  the  martyrs  in  those  early 
days  was  St.  Alban,  who  had  been  converted  by 
a  fugitive  priest.  The  story  of  his  life  and  death 
is  familiar. 

The  Bible  had  been  translated,  and  in  314  a.d. 
Britain  had  three  Bishops,  viz.,  of  London,  Lin- 
coln, and  York. 


■*  The  artist  has  very  ably  shown  here  a  devoted  little  band  of  Saxons 
holding  services  in  a  basement.  In  referring  to  it  as  "  abasement,"  not 
the  slightest  idea  of  casting  contumely  or  obloquy  on  our  ancestors  is 
intended  by  the  humble  writer  of  pungent  but  sometimes  unpalatable 
truth. 


CHAPTER    III. 

THE  ADVENT  OF  THE  ANGLES  :   CAUSES  WHICH  LED  TO 
THE  REHABILITATION  OF  BRITAIN  ON  NEW  LINES. 

WITH  the  landing  of  Hengist  and  Horsa 
English  history  really  begins,  for  Caesar's 
capture  of  the  British  Isles  was  of  slight 
importance  viewed  in  the  light  of  fast-receding 
centuries.  There  is  little  to-day  in  the  English 
character  to  remind  one  of  Caesar,  who  was  a 
volatile  and  epileptic  emperor  with  massive  and 
complicated  features. 

The  rich  warm  blood  of  the  Roman  does  not 
mantle  in  the  cheek  of  the  Englishman  of  the 
present  century  to  any  marked  degree.  The 
Englishman,  aping  the  reserve  and  hauteur  of 
Boston,  Massachusetts,  is,  in  fact,  the  diametrical 
antipode  of  the  impulsive,  warm-hearted,  and 
garlic-imbued  Roman  who  revels  in  assassination 
and  gold  ear-bobs. 

The  beautiful  daughter  of  Hengist  formed  an 
alliance  with  Vortigern,  the  royal  foreman  of 
Great  Britain, — a  plain  man  who  was  very  pop- 
ular in  the  alcoholic  set  and  generally  subject  to 
32 


THE  ADVENT  OF  THE  ANGLES. 


33 


violent  lucid  intervals  which  lasted  until  after 
breakfast ;  but  the  Saxons  broke  these  up,  it  is 
said,  and  Rowena  encouraged  him  in  his  efforts 
to  become  his  own  Worst  enemy,  and  after  two  or 
three  patent-pails-full  of  wassail  would  get  him 
to  give  her  another  county  or  two,  until  soon  the 


ROWKNA  CAPTIVATES  VORTIGERN. 


Briton  saw  that  the  Saxon  had  a  mortgage  on 
the  throne,  and  after  it  was  too  late,  he  said  that 
immigration  should  have  been  restricted. 

Kent  became  the  first  Saxon  kingdom,  and 
remained  a  powerful  state  for  over  a  century. 

More  Saxons  now  came,  and  brought  with  them 
yet  other  Saxons  with  yet  more  children,  dogs, 


34 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


vodka,  and  thirst.  The  breath  of  a  Saxon  in  a 
cucumber-patch  would  make  a  peck  of  pickles 
per  moment. 

The  Angles  now  came  also  and  registered  at 
the  leading  hotels.  They  were  destined  to  intro- 
duce the  hyphen  on  English  soil,  and  plant  the 
orchards  on  whose  ancestral  branches  should 
ultimately  hang  the  Anglo-Saxon  race,  the  pro- 
genitors of  the  eminent  aristocracy  of  America. 

Let  the  haughty,  purse-proud  American — in 
whose  warm  life  current  one  may  trace  the  un- 
mistakable strains  of  bichloride  of  gold  and 
trichinae — pause  for  one  moment  to  gaze  at  the 
coarse  features  and  bloodshot  eyes  of  his  ances- 


BTHBLBBRT,  KING  OP  KENT,   PROCLAIMED  "  BRBTWALDA. 


THE  ADVENT  OF  THE  ANGLES. 


35 


AUGUSTINE    KINDLY    RECEIVED    BY    ETHELBERT,    KING   OF    KENT. 


tors,  who  sat  up  at  nights  drenching  their  souls  in 
a  style  of  nepenthe  that  it  is  said  would  remove 
moths,  tan,  freckles,  and  political  disabilities. 

The  seven  states  known  as  the  Saxon  Hep- 
tarchy were  formed  in  the  sixth  and  seventh  cen- 
turies, and  the  rulers  of  these  states  were  called 
'*  Bretwaldas,"  or  Britain-wielders.  Ethelbert, 
King  of  Kent,  was  Bretwalda  for  fifty  years,  and 
liked  it  first-rate. 

A  very  good  picture  is  given  here  showing  the 
coronation  of  Ethelbert,  copied  from  an  old  tin- 
type now  in  the  possession  of  an  aged  and  some- 
what childish  family  in  Philadelphia  who  descended 


36  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 

from  Ethelbert  and  have  made  no  effort  to  con 
ceal  it. 

Here  also  the  artist  has  shown  us  a  graphic 
picture  of  Ethelbert  supported  by  his  celebrated 
ingrowing  moustache  receiving  Augustine.  They 
both  seem  pleased  to  form  each  other's  ac- 
quaintance, and  the  greeting  is  a  specially 
appetizing  one  to  the  true  lover  of  Art  for  Art's 
sake. 

For  over  one  hundred  and  fifty  years  the  British 
made  a  stubborn  resistance  to  the  encroachments 
of  these  coarse  people,  but  it  was  ineffectual. 
Their  prowess,  along  with  a  massive  appetite  and 
other  hand  baggage,  soon  overran  the  land  of 
Albion.  Everywhere  the  rude  warriors  of  north- 
ern Europe  wiped  the  dressing  from  their  coarse 
red  whiskers  on  the  snowy  table-cloth  of  the 
Briton. 

In  West  Wales,  or  Dumnonia,  was  the  home 
of  King  Arthur,  so  justly  celebrated  in  song  and 
story.  Arthur  was  more  interesting  to  the  poet 
than  the  historian,  and  probably  as  a  champion 
of  human  rights  and  a  higher  civilization  should 
stand  in  that  great  galaxy  occupied  by  Santa 
Claus  and  Jack  the  Giant-Killer. 

The  Danes  or  Jutes  joined  the  Angles  also 
at  this  time,  and  with  the  Saxons  spread  terror, 
anarchy,  and  common  drunks  all  over  Albion. 
Those  who  still  claim  that  the  Angles  were  right 


38  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND, 

Angles  are  certainly  ignorant  of  English  history. 
They  were  obtuse  Angles,  and  when  bedtime 
came  and  they  tried  to  walk  a  crack,  the  historian, 
in  a  spirit  of  mischief,  exclaims  that  they  were 
mostly  a  pack  of  Isosceles  Try  Angles,  but  this 
doubtless  is  mere  badinage. 

They  were  all  savages,  and  their  religion  was 
entirely  unfit  for  publication.  Socially  they  were 
coarse  and  repulsive.  Slaves  did  the  housework, 
and  serfs  each  morning  changed  the  straw  bed- 
ding of  the  lord  and  drove  the  pigs  out  of  the 
boudoir.  The  pig  was  the  great  social  middle 
class  between  the  serf  and  the  nobility :  for  the 
serf  slept  with  the  pig  by  day,  and  the  pig  slept 
with  the  nobility  at  night. 

And  yet  they  were  courageous  to  a  degree  (the 
Saxons,  not  the  pigs).  They  were  fearless  navi- 
gators a;id  reckless  warriors.  Armed  with  their 
rude  meat-axes  and  one  or  two  Excalibars,  they 
would  take  something  in  the  way  of  a  tonic  and 
march  right  up  to  the  mouth  of  the  great  Thomas 
catapult,  or  fall  in  the  moat  with  a  courage  that 
knew  not,  recked  not  of  danger. 

Christianity  was  first  preached  in  Great  Britain 
in  597  A.D.,  at  the  suggestion  of  Gregory,  after- 
wards Pope,  who  by  chance  saw  some  Anglican 
youths  exposed  for  sale  in  Rome.  They  were 
fine-looking  fellows,  and  the  good  man  pitied  their 
benighted  land.     Thus  the  Roman  religion  was 


THE  ADVENT  OF  THE  ANGLES. 


39 


introduced  into  England,  and  was  first  to  turn  the 
savage  heart  towards  God. 

Augustine  was  very  kindly  received  by  Ethel- 
bert,  and  invited  up  to  the  house.  Augustine 
met  with  great  success,  for  the  king  experienced 
religion  and  was  baptized,  after  which  many  of 


EGBERT  GAINS  A  GREAT  VICTORY  OVER  THE  FIERCE  INVADBMS 


his  subjects  repented  and  accepted  salvation  on 
learning  that  it  was  free.  As  many  as  ten  thou- 
sand in  one  day  were  converted,  and  Augustine 
was  made  Archbishop  of  Canterbury.  On  a 
small  island  in  the  Thames  he  built  a  church 
dedicated  to  St.  Peter,  where  now  is  Westminster 
Abbey,  a  prosperous  sanctuary  entirely  out  of 
debt. 


40  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 

The  history  of  the  Heptarchy  is  one  of  murder, 
arson,  rapine,  assault  and  battery,  breach  of  the 
peace,  petty  larceny,  and  the  embezzlement  of 
the  enemy's  wife. 

In  827,  Egbert,  King  of  Wessex  and  Duke  of 
Shandygaff,  conquered  all  his  foes  and  became 
absolute  ruler  of  England  (Land  of  the  Angles). 
Taking  charge  of  this  angular  kingdom,  he  estab- 
lished thus  the  mighty  country  which  now  rules 
the  world  in  some  respects,  and  which  is  so 
greatly  improved  socially  since  those  days. 

Two  distinguished  scholars  flourished  in  the 
eighth  century,  Bede  and  Alcuin.  They  at  once 
attracted  attention  by  being  able  to  read  coarse 
print  at  sight.  Bede  wrote  the  Ecclesiastical 
History  of  the  Angles.  It  is  out  of  print  now. 
Alcuin  was  a  native  of  York,  and  with  the  aid  of 
a  lump  of  chalk  and  the  side  of  a  vacant  barn 
could  figure  up  things  and  add  like  everything. 
Students  flocked  to  him  from  all  over  the  coun- 
try, and  matriculated  by  the  dozen.  If  he  took 
a  fancy  to  a  student,  he  would  take  him  away 
privately  and  show  him  how  to  read. 

The  first  literary  man  of  note  was  a  monk  of 
Whitby  named  Caedmon,  who  wrote  poems  on 
biblical  subjects  when  he  did  not  have  to  monk. 
His  works  were  greatly  like  those  of  Milton,  and 
especially  like  "  Paradise  Lost,"  it  is  said. 

Gildas  was  the  first  historian  of  Britain,  and  the 


THE  ADVENT  OF  THE  ANGLES. 


41 


scathing  remarks  made  about  his  fellow-country- 
men have  never  been  approached  by  the  most 
merciless  of  modern  historians. 

The  book  was  highly  interesting,  and  it  is  a 
wonder  that  some  enterprising  American  pub- 
lisher has  not  appropriated  it,  as  the  author  is 
now  extremely  dead. 


A  DISCIPLE   OF   THB    LIQUID    RELIGION    PRACTISV 
BY    THE  SAXON. 


CHAPTER    IV. 

THE  INFLUX  OF  THE  DANES  :  l^ACTS  SHOWING  CON- 
CLUSIVELY THEIR  INFLUENCE  ON  THE  BRITON 
OF   TO-DAY. 

AND  now,  having  led  the  eager  student  up  to 
^     the  year  827  a.d.,  let  us  take  him  forward 
from  the  foundation  of  the  English  mon- 
archy to  the  days  of  William  the  Conqueror,  1066. 

Egbert,  one  of  the  kings  of  Wessex,  reigned 
practically  over  Roman  Britain  when  the  country 
was  invaded  by  the  Northmen  (Swedes,  Nor- 
wegians, and  Danes),  who  treated  the  Anglo- 
Saxon  as  the  Anglo-Saxon  had  formerly  treated 
the  poor  Briton. 

These  Northmen  were  rather  coarse  people, 
and  even  put  the  Anglo-Saxons  to  the  blush 
sometimes.  They  exercised  vigorously,  and  thus 
their  appetites  were  sharp  enough  to  cut  a  hair. 
They  at  first  came  in  the  capacity  of  pirates, — 
sliding  stealthily  into  isolated  coast  settlements 
on  Saturday  evening  and  eating  up  the  Sunday 
victuals,  capturing  the  girls  of  the  Bible-class  and 
sailing  away.  But  later  they  came  as  conquerors, 
and  boarded  with  the  peasantry  permanently. 
42 


THE  INFLUX  OF  THE  DANES.  43 

Egbert  formed  an  alliance  with  his  old  enemies, 
the  Welsh,  and  gained  a  great  victory  over  the 
Northmen  ;  but  when  he  died  and  left  Ethelwolf, 
his  son,  in  charge  of  tHe  throne,  he  made  a  great 
mistake.  Ethelwolf  was  a  poor  king,  "being 
given  more  to  religious  exercises  than  reigning,'* 
says  the  historian.  He  would  often  exhibit  his 
piety  in  order  to  draw  attention  away  from  His 
Royal  Incompetency.  He  was  not  the  first  or 
last  to  smother  the  call  to  duty  under  the  cry  of 
Hallelujah.  Like  the  little  steamer  engine  with 
the  big  whistle,  when  he  whistled  the  boat 
stopped.  He  did  not  have  a  boiler  big  enough 
to  push  the  great  ship  of  state  and  shout  Amen 
at  the  same  time. 

Ethelwolf  defeated  the  enemy  in  one  great  bat- 
tle, but  too  late  to  prevent  a  hold-up  upon  the 
island  of  Thanet,  and  afterwards  at  Shippey,  near 
London,  where  the  enemy  settled  himself. 

Yet  Ethelwolf  made  a  pilgrimage  to  Rome  with 
Alfred,  then  six  years  old  (a.d.  855).  He  was 
gone  a  year,  during  which  time  very  little  reign- 
ing was  done  at  home,  and  the  Northmen  kept 
making  treaties  and  coming  over  in  larger  droves. 

Ethelwolf  visited  Charles  the  Bald  of  France 
at  this  time,  and  married  his  daughter  Judith  inci- 
dentally. Ethelwolf  s  eldest  son  died  during  the 
king's  absence,  and  was  succeeded  as  eldest  son 
by  Ethelbald  (heir-apparent,  though  he   had   no 


44  HISTORY   OF  ENGLAND. 

hair  apparent),  who  did  not  recognize  the  old 
gentleman  or  allow  him  to  be  seated  on  his  own 
throne  when  he  came  back  ;  but  Ethelwolf  gave 
the  naughty  Ethelbald  the  western  half  of  the 
kingdom  rather  than  have  trouble.  But  Baldy 
died,  and  was  succeeded  by  Ethelbert,  who  died 
six  years  later,  and  Ethelred,  in  866,  took  charge 
till  871,  when  he  died  of  a  wound  received  in  bat- 
tle and  closed  out  the  Ethel  business  to  Alfred. 

The  Danes  had  meantime  rifled  the  country 
with  their  cross-guns  and  killed  Edmund,  the 
good  king  of  East  Anglia,  who  was  afterwards 
canonized,  though  gunpowder  had  not  then  been 
invented. 

Alfred  was  not  only  a  godly  king,  but  had  a 
good  education,  and  was  a  great  admirer  of  Dick- 
ens and  Thackeray.  (This  is  put  in  as  a  titbit 
for  the  critic.) 

He  preferred  literature  to  the  plaudits  of  the 
nobility  and  the  sedentary  life  on  a  big  white-oak 
throne.  On  the  night  before  his  coronation  his 
pillow  was  wet  with  tears. 

And  in  the  midst  of  it  all  here  came  the  Danes 
wearing  heavy  woollen  clothes  and  introducing 
their  justly  celebrated  style  of  honest  sweat. 

Alfred  fought  as  many  as  eight  battles  with 
them  in  one  year.  They  agreed  at  last  to  accept 
such  portions  of  the  country  as  were  assigned 
them,  but  they  were  never  known  to  abide  by  any 


THE  INFLUX  OF  THE  DANES, 


45 


treaty,  and  they  put  the  red  man  of  America  to 
shame  as  prevaricators. 

Thus,  by  878,  the  wretched  Saxons  were  at 
their  wit's  end,  and  have  never  been  able  to  take 
a  joke  since  at  less  than  thirty  days. 

Some  fled  to  Wales  and  perished  miserably 
trying  to  pronounce  the  names  of  their  new  post- 
office  addresses. 

Here  Alfred's  true  greatness  stood  him  in  good 
stead.     He  secured  a  number  of  reliable  retain- 


ALFRBO,  UISGUISBD  AS  A  GLBBMAN,  IS  INTRODUCED  TO  GUTHRUM. 


46  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 

ers  and  camped  in  the  swamps  of  Somersetshire, 
where  he  made  his  head-quarters  on  account  of 
its  inaccessibility,  and  then  he  made  raids  on  the 
Danes.  Of  course  he  had  to  Hve  roughly,  and 
must  deny  himself  his  upright  piano  for  his  coun- 
try's good. 

In  order  to  obtain  a  more  thorough  knowledge 
of  the  Danes  and  their  number,  he  disguised  him- 
self as  a  harper,  or  portable  orchestra,  and  visited 
the  Danish  camp,  where  he  was  introduced  to 
Guthrun  and  was  invited  to  a  banquet,  where  he 
told  several  new  anecdotes,  and  spoke  in  such  a 
humorous  way  that  the  army  was  sorry  to  see  him 
go  away,  and  still  sorrier  when,  a  few  days  later, 
armed  cap-a-pie,  he  mopped  up  the  greensward 
with  his  enemy  and  secured  the  best  of  terms 
from  him. 

While  incog.,  Alfred  stopped  at  a  hut,  where  he 
was  asked  to  turn  the  pancakes  as  they  required 
it ;  but  in  the  absence  of  the  hostess  he  got  to 
thinking  of  esoteric  subjects,  or  something  pro- 
found, and  allowed  the  cakes  to  burn.  The 
housewife  returned  in  time  to  express  her  senti- 
ments and  a  large  box  to  his  address  as  shown  in 
the  picture. 

He  now  converted  Guthrun  and  had  him  im- 
mersed, which  took  first-rate,  and  other  Danes 
got  immersed.  Thus  the  national  antagonism  to 
water  was  overcome,  and  to-day  the  English  w^ho 


THE  INFLUX  OF  THE  DANES, 


47 


are  descended  from  the  Danes  are  not  appalled 
at  the  sight  of  water. 

As  a  result  of  Guthrun's  conversion,  the  Danes 
agreed  to  a  permanent  settlement  along  the  ex- 


ALFRED    LETTING  THB  CAKBS  BURN. 


posed  portion  of  Great  Britain,  by  which  they 
became  unconsciously  a  living  rampart  between 
the  Saxons  and  other  incursionists. 

Now  peace   began  to   reign   up  to  893,   and 
Alfred    improved    the    time    by    rebuilding    the 


48 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


desolated  cities, — London  especially,  which  had 
become  a  sight  to  behold.  A  new  stock-law, 
requiring  the  peasantry  to  shut  up  their  unicorns 
during  certain  seasons  of  the  year  and  keep  them 
out  of  the  crops,  also  protecting  them  from  sports- 
men while  shedding  their  horns  in  spring,  or 
moulting,  it  is  said,  was  passed,  but  the  English 
historians  are  such  great  jokers  that  the  writer 
has  had  much  difficulty  in  culling  the  facts  and 
eliminating  the  persiflage  from  these  writings. 

Alfred  the  Great  only  sur- 
vived his  last  victory  over 
the  Danes,  at  Kent,  a  few 
years,  when  he  died  greatly 
lamented.    He  was  a  brave 
soldier,    a   successful    all- 
around  monarch,  and 
progressive  citizen  in 
age  of  beastly 
ignorance, 
crime,  su- 
perstition, 
self-indul- 
gence, and 
pathetic 
stupid- 
ity. 

He  trans- 

IdkCU  bcVerai  alfrbd  established  schools. 


THE  INFLUX  OF  THE  DANES. 


49 


books  for  the  people,  established  or  repaired  the 
University  of  Oxford,  and  originated  the  idea, 
adopted  by  the  Japanese  a  thousand  years  later, 
of  borrowing  the  scholars  of  other  nations,  and 
cheerfully  adopting  the  improvements  of  other 
countries,  instead  of  following  the  hide-bound  and 
stupid  conservatism  and  ignorance  bequeathed  bv 
father  to  son,  as  a  result  of  blind  and  offensive 
pride,  which  is  sometimes  called  patriotism. 


KING  ALFRED  TRANSLATED  SEVERAL  BOOKS, 


CHAPTER    V. 

THE  TROUBLOUS  MIDDLE  AGES  :  DEMONSTRATING  A 
SHORT  REIGN  FOR  THOSE  WHO  TRAVEL  AT  A 
ROYAL    GAIT. 

THE  Ethels  now  made  an  effort  to  regain  the 
throne  from  Edward  the  Elder.  Ethelwold, 
a  nephew  of  Edward,  united  the  Danes 
under  his  own  banner,  and  relations  were  strained 
between  the  leaders  until  905,  when  Ethelwold 
was  slain.  Even  then  the  restless  Danes  and 
frontier  settlers  were  a  source  of  annoyance  until 
about  925,  when  Edward  died  ;  but  at  his  death 
he  was  the  undisputed  king  of  all  Britain,  and  all 
the  various  sub-monarchs  and  associate  rulers 
gave  up  their  claims  to  him.  He  was  assisted  in 
his  affairs  of  state  by  his  widowed  sister,  Ethel- 
fleda.  Edward  the  Elder  had  his  father  s  ability 
as  a  ruler,  but  was  not  so  great  as  a  scholar  or 
litterateur.  He  had  not  the  unfaltering  devotion 
to  study  nor  the  earnest  methods  which  made 
Alfred  great.  Alfred  not  only  divided  up  his 
time  into  eight-hour  shifts, — one  for  rest,  meals, 
and  recreation,  one  for  the  affairs  of  state,  and 
one  for  study  and  devotion, — but  he  invented  the 
50 


52  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 

candle  with  a  scale  on  it  as  a  time-piece,  and 
many  a  subject  came  to  the  throne  at  regular 
periods  to  set  his  candle  by  the  royal  lights. 

Think  of  those  days  when  the  Sergeant-at- 
Arms  of  Congress  could  not  turn  back  the  clock 
in  order  to  assist  an  appropriation  at  the  close 
of  the  session,  but  when  the  light  went  out  the 
session  closed. 

Athelstan  succeeded  his  father,  Edward  the 
Presiding  Elder,  and  resembled  him  a  good  deal 
by  defeating  the  Welsh,  Scots,  and  D^nes.  In 
those  days  agriculture,  trade,  and  manufacturing 
were  diversions  during  the  summer  months  ;  but 
the  regular  business  of  life  was  warfare  with  the 
Danes,  Scots,  and  Welsh. 

These  foes  of  England  could  live  easily  for 
years  on  oatmeal,  sour  milk,  and  cod's  heads, 
while  the  fighting  clothes  of  a  whole  regiment 
would  have  been  a  scant  wardrobe  for  the  Greek 
Slave,  and  after  two  centuries  of  almost  uninter- 
rupted carnage  their  war  debt  was  only  a  trifle 
over  eight  dollars. 

Edmund,  the  brother  of  Ethelstan,  at  the  age 
of  eighteen,  succeeded  his  brother  on  the  throne. 

One  evening,  while  a  little  hilarity  was  going 
on  in  the  royal  apartments,  Edmund  noticed 
among  the  guests  a  robber  named  Leolf,  who  had 
not  been  invited.  Probably  he  was  a  pickpocket ; 
and  as  a  royal  robber  hated  anybody  who  dropped 


THE   TROUBLOUS  MIDDLE  AGES. 


53 


below  grand  larceny,  the  king  ordered  his  retain- 
ers to  put  him  out. 

But  the  retainers  shrank  from  the  undertaking, 
therefore  Edmund  sprang  from  the  throne  like  a 
tiger  and  buried  his  talons  in  the  robber's  tresses. 


EDMUND  THROWING   LHOLF  OUT. 


There  was  a  mixture  of  feet,  legs,  teeth,  and  feat- 
ures for  a  moment,  and  when  peace  was  restored 
King  Edmund  had  a  watch-pocket  full  of  blood, 
and  the  robber  chieftain  was  wiping  his  stabber  on 
one  of  the  royal  tidies. 

Edred  now  succeeded  the  deceased  Edmund, 
his  brother,  and  with  a  heavy  heart  took  up  the 


54  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 

eternal  job  of  fighting  the  Danes.  Edred  set  up 
a  sort  of  provincial  government  over  Northum- 
berland, the  refractory  district,  and  sent  a  gov- 
ernor and  garrison  there  to  see  that  the  Danes 
paid  attention  to  what  he  said.  St.  Dunstan  had 
considerable  influence  over  Edred,  and  was  pro- 
moted a  great  deal  by  the  king,  who  died  in  the 
year  955. 

He  was  succeeded  by  Edwy  the  Fair,  who  was 
opposed  by  another  Ethel.  Between  the  Ethels 
and  the  Welsh  and  Danes,  there  was  little  time 
left  in  England  for  golf  or  high  tea,  and  Edwy's 
reign  was  short  and  full  of  trouble. 

He  had  trouble  with  St.  Dunstan,  charging  him 
with  the  embezzlement  of  church  funds,  and  com- 
pelled him  to  leave  the  country.  This  was  in 
retaliation  for  St.  Dunstan 's  overbearing  order  to 
the  king.  One  evening,  when  a  banquet  was 
given  him  in  honor  of  his  coronation,  the  king 
excused  himself  when  the  speeches  got  rather 
corky,  and  went  into  the  sitting-room  to  have  a 
chat  with  his  wife,  Elgiva,  of  whom  he  was  very 
fond,  and  her  mother.  St.  Dunstan,  who  had  still 
to  make  a  speech  on  Foreign  Missions  with  a 
yard  or  so  of  statistics,  insisted  on  Edwy's  return. 
An  open  outbreak  was  the  result.  The  Church 
fell  upon  the  King  with  a  loud,  annual  report,  and 
when  the  debris  was  cleared  away,  a  little  round- 
shouldered  grave  in  the  churchyard  held  all  that 


THE   TROUBLOUS  MIDDLE  AGES. 


55 


was  mortal  of  the  king.  His  wife  was  cruelly  and 
fatally  assassinated,  and  Edgar,  his  brother,  began 
to  reign.  This  was  in  the  year  959,  and  in  what 
is  now  called  the  Middle  Ages. 

Edgar  was  called  the  Pacific.  He  paid  off  the 
church  debt,  made  Dunstan  Archbishop  of  Can- 
terbury, helped  reform  the  church,  and,  though 
but  sixteen  years  of  age  when  he  removed  all 
explosives  from  the  throne  and  seated  himself 
there,  he  showed  that  he  had  a  massive  scope, 
arid  his  subjects  looked  forward  to  much  antici- 
pation. 

He  sailed  around  the  island  every  year  to  show 
the  Danes  how  prosperous  he  was,  and  made 
speeches  which  displayed  his  education. 

His  coronation  took  place  thir- 
teen years  after  his  accession  to 
the  throne,  owing  to  the  fact,  as 
given  out  by  some  of  the  more 
modern  historians,  that  the  crown 
was  at  Mr.  Isaac  Inestein's  all  this 
time,  whereas  the  throne,  which 
was  bought  on  the  instalment 
plan,  had  been  redeemed. 

Pictures  of  the  crown  worn  by 
Edgar  will  convince  the  reader  that 
its  redemption  was  no  slight  task, 
while  the  mortgage  on  the  throne 
was  a  mere  bagatelle. 


BDGAR  SURMOUNTBD   BY   HIS  CROWH. 


THE   TROUBLOUS  MIDDLE  AGES,  $7 

A  bright  idea  of  Edgar's  was  to  ride  in  a 
row-boat  pulled  by  eight  kings  under  the  old 
rigime. 

Personally,  Edgar  was  reputed  to  be  exceed- 
ingly licentious ;  but  the  historian  wisely  says 
these  stories  may  have  been  the  invention  of  his 
enemies.  Greatness  is  certain  to  make,  of  itself 
a  target  for  the  mud  of  its  own  generation,  and 
no  one  who  rose  above  the  level  of  his  surround- 
ings ever  failed  to  receive  the  fragrant  attentions 
of  those  who  had  not  succeeded  in  rising.  All 
history  is  fraught  also  with  the  bitterness  and 
jealousy  of  the  historian  except  this  one.  No 
bitterness  can  creep  into  this  history. 

Edgar,  it  is  said,  assassinated  the  husband  of 
Elfrida  in  order  that  he  might  marry  her.  It  is 
also  said  that  he  broke  into  a  convent  and  carried 
off  a  nun  ;  but  doubtless  if  these  stories  were 
traced  to  their  very  foundations,  politics  would 
account  for  them  both. 

He  did  not  favor  the  secular  clergy,  and  they, 
of  course,  disliked  him  accordingly.  He  suffered 
also  at  the  hands  of  those  who  sought  to  operate 
the  reigning  apparatus  whilst  his  attention  was 
turned  towards  other  matters. 

He  was  the  author  of  the  scheme  whereby  he 
utilized  his  enemies,  the  Welsh  princes,  by  de- 
manding three  hundred  wolf  heads  per  annum  as 
tribute  instead  of  money.     This  wiped  out  the 


58  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND, 

wolves  and  used  up  the  surplus  animosity  of  the 
Welsh. 

As  the  Welsh  princes  had  no  money,  the 
scheme  was  a  good  one.  Edgar  died  at  the  age 
of  thirty-two,  and  was  succeeded  by  Edward,  his 
son,  in  975. 

The  death  of  the  king  at  this  early  age  has 
given  to  many  historians  the  idea  that  he  was  a 
sad  dog,  and  that  he  sat  up  late  of  nights  and 
cut  up  like  everything,  but  this  may  not  be  true. 
Death  often  takes  the  good,  the  true,  and  the 
beautiful  whilst  young. 

However,  Edgar  s  reign  was  a  brilliant  one  for 
an  Anglo-Saxon,  and  his  coon-skin  cap  is  said  to 
have  cost  over  a  pound  sterling. 


EDGAR   THB   PACIFIC. 


CHAPTER    VI. 

THE  DANISH    OLIGARCHY:    DISAFFECTIONS  ATTENDING 
CHRONIC   USURPATION    PROCLIVITIES. 

EDGAR  was  succeeded  by  his  son  Edward, 
called  '*the  Martyr,"  who  ascended  the 
throne  at  the  age  of  fifteen  years.  His 
step-mother,  Elfrida,  opposed  him,  and  favored 
her  own  son,  Ethelred.  Edward  was  assassinated 
in  978,  at  the  instigation  of  his  step-mother,  and 
that's  what's  the  martyr  with  him. 

During  his  reign  there  was  a  good  deal  of  ill 
feeling,  and  Edward  would  no  doubt  have  been 
deposed  but  for  the  influence  of  the  church  under 
Dunstan. 

Ethelred  was  but  ten  years  old  when  he  began 
reigning.  Sadly  poor  Dunstan  crowned  him,  his 
own  eyes  still  wet  with  sorrow  over  the  cruel 
death  of  Edward.  He  foretold  that  Ethelred 
would  have  a  stormy  reign,  with  sleet  and  vari- 
able winds,  changing  to  snow. 

During  the  remainder  of  the  great  prelate's 
life  he,  as  it  were,  stood  between  the  usurper  and 
the  people,  and  protected  them  from  the  threat- 
ening storm. 

59 


60  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 

But  in  991,  shortly  after  the  death  of  Dunstan, 
a  great  army  of  Norwegians  came  over  to  Eng- 
land for  purposes  of  pillage.  To  say  that  it  was 
an  allopathic  pillage  would  not  be  an  extravagant 
statement.  They  were  extremely  rude  people, 
like  all  the  nations  of  northern  Europe  at  that 
time, — Rome  being  the  Boston  of  the  Old  World, 
and  Copenhagen  the  Fort  Dodge  of  that  period. 

The  Norwegians  ate  everything  that  did  not 
belong  to  the  mineral  kingdom,  and  left  the  green 
fields  of  merry  England  looking  like  a  base- ball 
ground.  So  wicked  and  warlike  were  they  that 
the  sad  and  defeated  country  was  obliged  to  give 
the  conquering  Norske  ten  thousand  pounds  of 
silver. 

Dunstan  died  at  the  age  of  sixty-three,  and 
years  afterwards  was  canonized ;  but  firearms  had 
not  been  invented  at  the  time  of  his  death.  He 
led  the  civilization  and  progress  of  England,  and 
was  a  pioneer  in  cherishing  the  fine  arts. 

Olaf,  who  led  the  Norwegians  against  England, 
afterwards  became  king  of  Norway,  and  with  the 
Danes  used  to  ever  and  anon  sack  Great  Britain, 
— i.e.,  eat  everybody  out  of  house  and  home,  and 
then  ask  for  a  sack  of  silver  as  the  price  of  peace. 

Ethelred  was  a  cowardly  king,  who  liked  to 
wear  the  implements  of  war  on  holidays,  and 
learn  to  crochet  and  tat  in  time  of  war.  He 
gave  these  invaders  ten  thousand  pounds  of  sil- 


THE  DANISH  OLIGARCHY.  6l 

ver  at  the  first,  sixteen  thousand  at  the  second, 
and  twenty-four  thousand  on  the  third  trip,  in 
order  to  buy  peace. 

Olaf  afterwards,  however,  embraced  Christian- 
ity and  gave  up  fighting  as  a  business,  leaving 
the  ring  entirely  to  Sweyn,  his  former  partner 
from  Denmark,  who  continued  to  do  business  as 
before. 

The  historian  says  that  the  invasion  of  England 
by  the  Norwegians  and  Danes  was  fully  equal  to 
the  assassination,  arson,  and  rapine  of  the  Indians 
of  North  America.  A  king  who  would  permit 
such  cruel  cuttings-up  as  these  wicked  animals 
were  guilty  of  on  the  fair  face  of  old  England, 
should  live  in  history  only  as  an  invertebrate,  a 
royal  failure,  a  decayed  moUusk,  and  the  dropsical 
head  of  a  tottering  dynasty. 

In  order  to  strengthen  his  feeble  forces,  Ethel- 
red  allied  himself,  in  looi,  to  Richard  II.,  Duke  of 
Normandy,  and  married  his  daughter  Emma,  but 
the  Danes  continued  to  make  night  hideous  and 
elope  with  ladies  whom  they  had  never  met 
before.  It  was  a  sad  time  in  the  history  of  Eng- 
land, and  poor  Emma  wept  many  a  hot  and  bitter 
tear  as  she  yielded  one  jewel  after  another  to  the 
pawnbroker  in  order  to  buy  off  the  coarse  and 
hateful  Danes. 

If  Ethelred  were  to  know  how  he  is  regarded 
by  the  historian  who  pens  these  lines,  he  would 


62  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 

kick  the  foot-board  out  of  his  casket,  and  bite 
himself  severely  in  four  places. 

To  add  to  his  foul  history,  happening  to  have 
a  few  inoffensive  Danes  on  hand,  on  the  13th  of 


ETHELRED   WEDS   EMMA. 


November,  the  festival  of  St.  Brice,  1002,  he 
gave  it  out  that  he  would  massacre  these  peo- 
ple, among  them  the  sister  of  the  Danish  king, 
a  noble  woman  who  had  become  a  Christian 
(only  it  is  to  be  hoped  a  better  one),  and  mar- 
ried an  English  earl.     He  had  them  all  butchered. 


THE  DANISH  OLIGARCHY.  63 

In  1003,  Sweyn,  with  revenge  in  his  heart,  be- 
gan a  war  of  extermination  or  subjugation,  and 
never  yielded  till  he  was,  in  fact,  king  of  England, 
while  the  royal  intellectual  polyp,  known  as  Ethel- 
red  the  Unwholesome,  fled  to  Normandy,  in  the 
1013th  year  Anno  Domini. 

But  in  less  than  six  weeks  the  Danish  king 
died,  leaving  the  sceptre,  with  the  price-mark  still 
upon  it,  to  Canute,  his  son,  and  Ethelred  was 
invited  back,  with  an  understanding  that  he 
should  not  abuse  his  privileges  as  king,  and  that, 
although  it  was  a  life  job  during  good  behavior, 
the  privilege  of  beheading  him  from  time  to  time 
was  and  is  vested  in  the  people  ;  and  even  to-day 
there  is  not  a  crowned  head  on  the  continent  of 
Europe  that  does  not  recognize  this  great  truth, 
— viz.,  that  God  alone,  speaking  through  the 
united  voices  of  the  common  people,  declares  the 
rulings  of  the  Supreme  Court  of  the  Universe. 

On  the  old  autograph  albums  of  the  world  is 
still  written  in  the  dark  corners  of  empires,  ''the 
king  can  do  no  wrong!'  But  where  education  is 
not  repressed,  and  where  that  Christianity  which 
is  built  on  love  and  charity  is  taught,  there  can 
be  but  one  King  who  does  no  wrong. 

Ethelred  was  succeeded  by  Edmund,  called 
"the  Ironside."  He  fought  bravely,  and  drove 
the  Danes,  under  Canute,  back  to  their  own 
shores.    But  they  got  restless  in  Denmark,  where 


64 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


there  was  very  little  going  on,  and  returned  to 
England  in  large  numbers. 

Ethelred  died  in  London,  1016  a.d.,  before 
Canute  reached  him.  He  was  called  by  Dun- 
stan  ''Ethelred  the  Unready,"  and  had  a  faculty 
lor  erring  more  promptly  than  any  previous  king. 

Having  returned  cheerily  from  Ethelred's  rather 
tardy  funeral,  the  people  took  oath,  some  of  them 
under  Edmund  and  some  under  Canute. 

Edmund,  after  'av^  pitched  battles,  offered  to 
stay  bloodshed  by  personally  fighting  Canute  at 
any  place  where  they  could  avoid  police  interfer- 
ence, but  Canute  declined,  on  what  grounds  it  is 
not  stated,  though  possibly  on  the  Polo  grounds. 


SONS  OF  EDMUND  SENT  TO  OLAF. 


THE  DANISH  OLIGARCHY.  65 

A  compromise  was  agreed  to  in  10 16,  by  which 
Edmund  reigned  over  the  region  south  of  the 
Thames ;  but  very  shortly  afterwards  he  was 
murdered  at  the  instigation  of  Edric,  a  traitor, 
who  was  the  Judas  Iscariot  of  his  time. 

Canute,  or  ''  Knut,"  now  became  the  first  Dan- 
ish king  of  England.  Having  appointed  three 
sub-kings,  and  taken  charge  hhnself  of  Wessex, 
Canute  sent  the  two  sons  of  Edmund  to  Olaf, 
requesting  him  to  put  them  to  death  ;  but  Olaf, 
the  king  of  Sweden,  had  scruples,  and  instead  of 
doing  so  sent  the  boys  to  Hungary,  where  they 
were  educated.  Edward  afterwards  married  a 
daughter  of  the  Emperor  Henry  II. 

Canute  as  king  was,  after  he  got  the  hang  of 
it,  a  great  success,  giving  to  the  harassed  people 
more  comfort  than  they  had  experienced  since  the 
death  of  Alfred,  who  was  thoroughly  gifted  as  a 
sovereign. 

He  had  to  raise  heavy  taxes  in  order  to  'squire 
himself  with  the  Danish  leaders  at  first,  but  finally 
began  to  harmonize  the  warring  elements,  and 
prosperity  followed.  He  was  fond  of  old  ballads, 
and  encouraged  the  wandering  minstrels,  who  en- 
tertained the  king  with  topical  songs  till  a  late 
hour.  Symposiums  and  after-dinner  speaking 
were  thus  inaugurated,  and  another  era  of  good 
feeling  began  about  half-past  eleven  o'clock  each 
evening. 

a  6* 


THE  DANISH  OLIGARCHY.  ^ . 

Queen  Emma,  the  widow  of  Ethelred,  now 
began  to  set  her  cap  for  Canute,  and  thus  it 
happened  that  her  sons  again  became  the  heirs 
to  the  throne  at  her  marriage,  a.d.  1017. 

Canute  now  became  a  good  king.  He  built 
churches  and  monasteries,  and  even  went  on  a 
pilgrimage  to  Rome,  which  in  those  days  was 
almost  certam  to  win  public  endorsement. 

Disgusted  with  the  flattering  of  his  courtiers, 
one  day  as  he  strolled  along  the  shore  he  caused 
his  chair  to  be  placed  at  the  margin  of  the  ap- 
proaching tide,  and  as  the  water  crept  up  into  his 
lap,  he  showed  them  how  weak  must  be  a  mortal 
king  in  the  presence  of  Omnipotence.  He  was 
a  humble  and  righteous  king,  and  proved  by  his 
example  that  after  all  the  greatest  of  earthly 
rulers  is  only  the  most  obedient  servant. 

He  was  even  then  the  sovereign  of  England, 
Norway,  and  Denmark.  In  1031  he  had  some 
trouble  with  Malcolm,  King  of  Scotland,  but  sub- 
dued him  promptly,  and  died  in  1035,  leaving 
Hardicanute,  the  son  of  Emma,  and  Sweyn  and 
Harold,  his  sons  by  a  former  wife. 

Harold  succeeded  to  the  English  throne,  Sweyn 
to  that  of  Norway,  and  Hardicanute  to  the  throne 
of  Denmark. 

In  the  following  chapter  a  few  well-chosen  re- 
marks will  be  made  regarding  Harold  and  other 
kings. 


CHAPTER    VII. 

OTHER  DISAGREEABLE  CLAIMANTS  I  FOREIGN  FOIBLES 
INTRODUCED,  ONLY  TO  BE  EXPUNGED  WITH 
CHARACTERISTIC    PUGNACITY. 

LET  US  now  look  for  a  moment  into  the  reigns 
J  of  Harold  I.  and  Hardicanute,  a  pair  of 
unpopular  reigns,  which,  although  brief, 
were  yet  long  enough. 

Queen  Emma,  of  course,  desired  the  corona- 
tion of  Hardicanute,  but,  though  supported  by 
Earl  Godwin,  a  man  of  great  influence  and  edu- 
cated to  a  high  degree  for  his  time,  able  indeed, 
it  is  said,  at  a  moment's  notice,  to  add  up  things 
and  reduce  things  to  a  common  denominator,  it 
could  not  be. 

Harold,  the  compromise  candidate,  reigned 
from  1037  to  1040.  He  gained  Godwin  to  his 
?ide,  and  together  they  lured  the  sons  of  Emma 
by  Ethelred — viz.,  Alfred  and  Edward — to  town, 
and,  as  a  sort  of  royal  practical  joke,  put  out 
Alfred's  eyes,  causing  his  death. 

Harold  was  a  swift  sprinter,  and  was  called 
"  Harefoot"  by  those  who  were  intimate  enough 
to  exchange  calls  and  coarse  anecdotes  with  him. 

68 


OTHER  DISAGREEABLE   CLAIMANTS. 


69 


He  died  in  1040  a.d.,  and  nobody  ever  had  a 
more  general  approval  for  doing  so  than  Harold. 

Hardicanute  now  came  forth  from  his  apart- 
ments, and  was  received  as  king  with  every 
demonstration  of  joy,  and  for  some  weeks  he 
and  dyspepsia  had  it  all  their  own  way  on  Picca- 
dilly. (Report  says  that  he  drank !  Several 
times  while  under  the  influence 
of  liquor  he  abdicated 


the  throne  with  a  dull 
thud,  but  was  rein- 
stated by  the 
police.)  II  ^ 


fjifjk  fip|-; 


KING    HAKOLU    IS    DEAD,    SIRE. 


70  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND, 

Enraged  by  the  death  of  Alfred,  the  king  had 
the  remains  of  Harold  exhumed  and  thrown  into 
a  fen.  This  a-fensive  act  showed  what  a  great 
big  broad  nature  Hardicanute  had, — also  the  kind 
of  timber  used  in  making  a  king  in  those  days. 

Godwin,  however,  seems  to  have  been  a  good 
political  acrobat,  and  was  on  more  sides  of  more 
questions  than  anybody  else  of  those  times. 
Though  connected  with  the  White-Cap  affair  by 
which  Alfred  lost  his  eyesight  and  his  life,  he 
proved  an  alibi,  or  spasmodic  paresis,  or  some- 
thing, and,  having  stood  a  compurgation  and 
''ordeal"  trial,  was  released.  The  historian  very 
truly  but  inelegantly  says,  if  memory  serves  the 
writer  accurately,  that  Godwin  was  such  a  polit- 
ical straddle-bug  that  he  early  abandoned  the  use 
of  pantaloons  and  returned  to  the  toga,  which 
was  the  only  garment  able  to  stand  the  strain  of 
his  political  cuttings-up. 

The  Shire  Mote,  or  county  court  of  those  days, 
was  composed  of  a  dozen  thanes,  or  cheap  no- 
bles, who  had  to  swear  that  they  had  not  read 
the  papers,  and  had  not  formed  or  expressed  an 
opinion,  and  that  their  minds  were  in  a  state  of 
complete  vacancy.  It  was  a  sort  of  primary  jury, 
and  each  could  point  with  pride  to  the  vast  collec- 
tion he  had  made  of  things  he  did  not  know,  and 
had  not  formed  or  expressed  an  opinion  about. 

If  one  did  not  like  the  verdict  of  this  court, 


72 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND' 


he  could  appeal  to  the  king  on  a  certiorari  or 
some  such  thing  as  that.  The  accused  could 
clear  himself  by  his  own  oath  and  that  of  others, 
but  without  these  he  had  to  stand  what  was 
called  the  **  ordeal,"  which  consisted  in  walking 
on  hot  ploughshares  without  expressing  a  derog- 
atory opinion  regarding  the  ploughshares  or  show- 
ing contempt  of  court.  Sometimes  the  accused 
had  to  run  his  arm  into  boiling  water.  If  after  three 
days  the  injury  had  disappeared,  the  defendant 
was  discharged  and  costs  taxed  against  the  king. 
Hardicanute  only  reigned  two  years,  and  in 
1042  A.D.  died  at  a  nuptial  banquet,  and  cast  a 
gloom  over  the  whole  thing.  In  those  times  it 
was  a  common  thing  for  the  king  or  some 
of  the  nobility  to  die  between  the  roast 
pig  and  the  pork  pie.     It  was  not  un- 


DYING    BHTWEBN    COURSES. 


OTHER   DISAGkilp^hBLE   CLAIMANTS.  73 

usual  to  see  each  noble  with  a  roast  pig  tete-d,- 
tete, — each  confronting  the  other,  the  living  and 
the  dead. 

At  this  time,  it  is  said  by  the  old  settlers  that 
hog  cholera  thinned  out  the  nobility  a  good  deal, 
whether  directly  or  indirectly  they  do  not  say. 

The  English  had  now  wearied  of  the  Danish 
yoke.  '*  Why  wear  the  Danish  yoke,"  they  asked, 
*'  and  be  ruled  with  a  rod  of  iron  ?" 

Edward,  half  brother  of  Edmund  Ironside,  was 
therefore  nominated  and  chosen  king.  Godwin, 
who  seemed  to  be  specially  gifted  as  a  versatile 
connoisseur  of  *'  crow,"*  turned  up  as  his  political 
adviser. 

Edward,  afterwards  called  **the  Confessor,"  at 
once  stripped  Queen  Emma  of  all  her  means,  for 
he  had  no  love  left  for  her,  as  she  had  failed 
repeatedly  to  assist  him  when  he  was  an  outcast, 
and  afterwards  the  new  king  placed  her  in  jail  (or 
gaol,  rather)  at  Winchester.  This  should  teach 
mothers  to  be  more  obedient,  or  they  will  surely 
come  to  some  bad  end. 

Edward  was  educated  in  Normandy,  and  so 
was  quite  partial  to  the  Normans.  He  appointed 
many  of  them  to  important  positions  in  both 
church  and  state.     Even  the  See  of  Canterbury 

*"  Eating  crow"  is  an  expression  common  in  modern  American  politics 
to  signify  a  reluctant  acknowledgment  of  humiliating  defeat. — Historian. 
D  7 


74 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


was  given  to  a  Norman.  The  See  saw  how  it 
was  going,  no  doubt,  and  accepted  the  position. 
But  let  us  pass  on  rapidly  to  something  else,  for 


EDWARD   STRIPS   EMMA   OF   HER   MEANS. 


thereby  variety  may  be  given  to  these  pages,  and 
as  one  fact  seems  to  call  for  another,  truth,  which 
for  the  time  being  may  be  apparently  crushed  to 
earth,  may  rise  again. 

Godwin  disliked  the  introduction  of  the  Nor- 
man tongue  and  Norman  customs  in  England, 
and  when  Eustace,  Count  of  Boulogne  and  au- 


OTHER    DISAGREEABLE   CLAIMANTS. 


7S 


thor  of  the  sausage  which  bears  his  name,  com- 
mitted an  act  of  violence  against  the  people  of 
Dover,  they  arose  as  one  man,  drove  out  the 
foreigners,  and  fumigated  the  town  as  well  as  the 
ferry  running  to  Calais. 

This  caused  trouble  between  Edward  and  God- 
win, which  led  to  the  deposition  of  the  latter,  who, 
with  his  sons,  was  compelled  to  flee.  But  later 
he  returned,  and  his  popularity  in  England  among 


GODWIN   AND    HIS   SONS    FLYING    FROM    ENGLAND. 


the  home  people  compelled  the  king  to  reestab- 
lish him. 

Soon  afterwards  Godwin  died,  and  Harold,  his 


'J^i  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 

son,  succeeded  him  successfully.  Godwin  was  an 
able  man,  and  got  several  earldoms  for  his  wife 
and  relatives  at  a  time  when  that  was  just  what 
they  needed.  An  earldom  then  was  not  a  mere 
empty  title  with  nothing  in  it  but  a  blue  sash  and 
a  scorbutic  temperament,  but  it  gave  almost  abso- 
lute authority  over  one  or  more  shires,  and  was 
also  a  good  piece  of  property.  These  historical 
facts  took  place  in  or  about  the  year  1054  a.d. 

Edward  having  no  children,  together  with  a 
sort  of  misgiving  about  ever  having  any  to  speak 
of,  called  home  Edward  ''the  Outlaw,"  son  of 
Edmund  Ironside,  to  succeed  to  the  throne  ;  but 
scarcely  had  he  reached  the  shores  of  England 
when  he  died,  leaving  a  son,  Edgar. 

William  of  Normandy,  a  cousin  of  the  king, 
now  appears  on  the  scene.  He  claimed  to  be 
entitled  to  the  first  crack  at  the  throne,  and  that 
the  king  had  promised  to  bequeath  it  to  him.  He 
even  lured  Harold,  the  heir  apparently,  to  Nor- 
mandy, and  while  under  the  influence  of  stimu- 
lants compelled  Harold  to  swear  that  he  would 
sustain  William's  claim  to  the  throne.  The  wily 
William  also  inserted  some  holy  relics  of  great 
potency  under  the  altar  used  for  swearing  pur- 
poses, but  Harold  recovered  when  he  got  out 
again  into  the  fresh  air,  and  snapped  his  fingers 
at  William  and  his  relics. 

January  5,  1066,  Edward  died,  and  was  buried 


7^ 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


in  Westminster  Abbey,  which  had  just  been  en- 
closed and  the  roof  put  on. 

Harold,  who  had  practised  a  little  while  as  earl, 
and  so  felt  that  he  could  reign  easily  by  begin- 
ning moderately  and  only  reigning  forenoons, 
ascended  the  throne. 

Edward  the  Confessor  was  a  good,  durable 
monarch,  but  not  brilliant.  He  was  the  first  to 
let  people  touch  him  on  Tuesdays  and  Fridays 
for  scrofula,  or  ''king's  evil."  He  also  made  a 
set  of  laws  that  were  an  improvement  on  some 
of   the   old  ones.     He  was   canonized   about   a 

century  after  his 
death  by  the  Pope, 
but  as  to  whether 
it '  'took' '  or  not  the 
historian  seems 
strangely  dumb. 

He  was  the  last 
of  the  royal  Saxon 
line  ;  but  other 
self-made  Saxons 
reigned  after  him 
in  torrents. 

Edgar  Atheling, 
son  of  Edward 
the  Outlaw,  was 
the  only  surviving 

WILLIAM   OF    «OH-/^-^V^^EARN^S    THAT    HAROLD    IS  ^^^     ^f     ^^     ^^^^ 


M}-' 


OTHER  DISAGREEABLE   CLAIMANTS.  79^ 

line,  but  he  was  not  old  enough  to  succeed  to  the 
throne,  and  Harold  II.  accepted  the  portfolio. 
He  was  crowned  at  Westminster  on  the  day  of 
King  Edward's  burial.  This  infuriated  William 
of  Normandy,  who  reminded  Harold  of  his  first- 
degree  oath,  and  his  pledge  that  he  would  keep 
it  **  or  have  his  salary  cut  from  year  to  year." 

Oh,  how  irritated  William  was  !  He  got  down 
his  gun,  and  bade  the  other  Normans  who  desired 
an  outing  to  do  the  same. 

Trouble  also  arose  with  Tostig,  the  king's 
brother,  and  his  Norwegian  ally,  Hardrada,  but 
the  king  defeated  the  allied  forces  at  Stamford 
Bridge,  near  York,  where  both  of  these  misguided 
leaders  bit  the  dust.  Previous  to  the  battle  there 
was  a  brief  parley,  and  the  king  told  Tostig  the 
best  he  could  do  with  him.  **  And  what  can  you 
give  my  ally,  Hardrada?"  queried  the  astute Tos^ 
tig.  **  Seven  feet  of  English  ground,"  answered 
the  king,  roguishly,  ''or  possibly  more,  as  Har- 
drada is  rather  taller  than  the  average,"  or  words 
to  that  effect.  ''Then  let  the  fight  go  on,"  an- 
swered Tostig,  taking  a  couple  of  hard-boiled 
eggs  from  his  pocket  and  cracking  them  on  the 
pommel  of  his  saddle,  for  he  had  not  eaten  any- 
thing but  a  broiled  shote  since  breakfast. 

That  night  both  he  and  Hardrada  occupied  a 
double  grave  on  the  right-hand  side  of  the  road 
leading  to  York. 


CHAPTER    VIII. 

THE  NORMAN    CONQUEST  :    COMPLEX  COMMINGLING  OF 
FACETIOUS    ACCORD    AND    IMPLACABLE    DISCORD. 


THE  Norman  invasion  was  one 
of  the  most  unpleasant  feat- 
ures of  this  period.  Harold 
had  violated  his  oath  to  William, 
and  many  of  his  supersti- 
tious followers  feared  to 
assist  him  on  that  account. 
His  brother  advised  him  to 
wait  a  few  years  and  per- 
mit the  invader  to  die  of 
exposure.  Thus,  excom- 
municated by  the  Pope 
and  not  feeling  very  well 
anyway,  Harold  went  into 
the  battle  of  Hastings,  October  14,  1066.  For 
nine  hours  they  fought,  the  English  using  their 
celebrated  squirt-guns  filled  with  hot  water  and 
other  fixed  ammunition.  Finally  Harold,  while 
straightening  his  sword  across  his  knee,  got  an 
arrow  in  the  eye,   and   abandoned   the  fight  in 

order  to  investigate  the  surprises  of  a  future  state. 
80 


WILLIAM    THE    CONQUEROR. 


THE  NORMAN  CONQUEST.  8l 

In  this  battle  the  contusions  alone  amounted  to 
over  ninety-seven,  to  say  nothing  of  fractures, 
concussions,  and  abrasions. 

Among  other  casualties,  the  nobility  of  the 
South  of  England  was  killed. 

Harold's  body  was  buried  by  the  sea-shore,  but 
many  years  afterwards  disinterred,  and,  all  signs 
of  vitality  having  disappeared,  he  was  buried 
again  in  the  church  he  had  founded  at  Waltham. 

The  Anglo-Saxons  thus  yielded  to  the  Normans 
the  government  of  England. 

In  these  days  the  common  people  were  called 
churls,  or  anything  else  that  happened  to  occur 
to  the  irritable  and  quick-witted  nobility.  The 
rich  lived  in  great  magnificence,  with  rushes  on 
the  floor,  which  were  changed  every  few  weeks. 
Beautiful  tapestry — similar  to  the  rag-carpet  of 
America — adorned  the  walls  and  prevented  ven- 
tilation. 

Glass  had  been  successfully  made  in  France 
and  introduced  into  England.  A  pane  of  glass 
indicated  the  abode  of  wealth,  and  a  churl  clean- 
ing the  window  with  alcohol  by  breathing  heavily 
upon  it,  was  a  sign  that  Sir  Reginald  de  Pamp, 
the  pampered  child  of  fortune,  dwelt  there. 

To  twang  the  lyre  from  time  to  time,  or  knock 

a  few  mellow  plunks  out  of  the  harp,  was  regarded 

with  much  favor  by  the  Anglo-Saxons,  who  were 

much  given  to  feasting  and  merriment.     In  those 

/ 


82 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND, 


pioneer  times  the  "  small  and  early"  had  not  yet 
been  introduced,  but  ''the  drunk  and  disorderly" 
was  regarded  with  much  favor. 

Free  coinage  was   now  discussed,  and  mints 
established.     Wool  was  the  principal  export,  and 

fine  cloths  were 
^  taken  in  exchange 
|)  from  the  Continent. 
Women  spun  for 
their  own  households, 
and  the  term  spinster 
was  introduced. 

The  monasteries 
carefully  concealed 
everything  in  the 
way  of  education, 
and  even  the  nobil- 
ity could  not  have 
stood  a  civil  service 
examination. 

The  clergy  were 
skilled  in  music,  paint- 
ing, and  sculpture, 
and  loved  to  paint  on  china,  or  do  sign-work  and 
carriage  painting  for  the  nobility.  St.  Dunstan 
was  quite  an  artist,  and  painted  portraits  which 
even  now  remind  one  strangely  of  human  beings. 
Edgar  Atheling,  the  legal  successor  of  Harold, 
saw  at  a  glance  that  William  the  Conqueror  had 


ST.    DUNSTAN  WAS   NOTED   FOR   THIS   KIND  OF  THING. 


84  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 

come  to  stay,  and  so  he  yielded  to  the  Norman, 
as  shown  in  the  accompanying  steel  engraving 
copied  from  a  piece  of  tapestry  now  in  posses- 
sion of  the  author,  and  which  descended  to  him, 
through  no  fault  of  his  own,  from  the  Normans, 
who  for  years  ruled  England  with  great  skill, 
and  from  whose  loins  he  sprang. 

William  was  crowned  on  Christmas  Day  at 
Westminster  Abbey  as  the  new  sovereign.  It 
was  more  difficult  to  change  a  sovereign  in  those 
days  than  at  present,  but  that  is  neither  here  nor 
there. 

The  people  were  so  glad  over  the  coronation 
that  they  overdid  it,  and  their  ghoulish  glee 
alarmed  the  regular  Norman  army,  the  impres- 
sion getting  out  that  the  Anglo-Saxons  were 
rebellious,  when  as  a  matter  of  fact  they  were 
merely  exhilarated,  having  tanked  too  often  with 
the  tankard. 

William  the  Conqueror  now  disarmed  the  city 
of  London,  and  tipping  a  number  of  the  nobles, 
got  them  to  wait  on  him.  He  rewarded  his  Nor- 
man followers,  however,  with  the  contraband 
estates  of  the  conquered,  and  thus  kept  up  his 
conking  for  years  after  peace  had  been  declared. 

But  the  people  did  not  forget  that  they  were 
there  first,  and  so,  while  William  was  in  Nor- 
mandy, in  the  year  1067  a.d.,  hostilities  broke 
out.    People  who  had  been  foreclosed  and  ejected 


S6 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


from  their  lands  united  to  shoot  the  Norman 
usurper,  and  it  was  not  uncommon  for  a  Norman, 
while  busy  usurping,  to  receive  an  arrow  in  some 
vital  place,  and  have  to  give  up  sedentary  pur- 
suits, perhaps,  for  weeks  afterwards. 

In  1068  A.D.,  Edgar  Atheling,  Sweyn  of  Den- 
mark, Malcolm  of  Scotland,  and  the  sons  of 
Harold  banded  together  to  drive  out  the  Nor- 
man. Malcolm  was  a  brave  man,  and  had,  it  is 
said,  captured  so  many  Anglo-Saxons  and  brought 
them  back  to  Scotland,  that  they  had  a  very  re- 
fining influence  on  that 
country,  introducing  the 
study  of  the  yoke 
among  other  things 
with  moderate  suc- 
cess. 

William  has- 
tily  returned 
from  Normandy, 
and  made  short 
work  of  the  rebel- 
lion.   The  following 
year  another  outbreak 
occurring  in  Northum- 
berland,   William    mis- 
chievously   laid    waste 
sixty  miles  of  fertile 
country,  and  wilfully 


WILLIAM  WAS  FOND  OF   HUNTING. 


THE  NORMAN  CONQUEST.  8/ 

slaughtered  one  hundred  thousand  people, — men, 
women,  and  children.  And  yet  we  have  among 
us  those  who  point  with  pride  to  their  Norman 
lineage  when  they  ought  to  be  at  work  supporting 
their  families. 

In  1070  the  Archbishop  of  Canterbury  was  de- 
graded from  his  position,  and  a  Milanese  monk 
on  his  Milan  knees  succeeded  him.  The  Saxons 
became  serfs,  and  the  Normans  used  the  school 
tax  to  build  large,  repulsive  castles  in  which  to 
woo  the  handcuffed  Anglo-Saxon  maiden  at  their 
leisure.  An  Anglo-Saxon  maiden  without  a  rope 
ladder  in  the  pocket  of  her  basque  was  a  rare 
sight.  Many  very  thrilling  stories  are  written  of 
those  days,  and  bring  a  good  price. 

William  was  passionately  fond  of  hunting,  and 
the  penalty  for  killing  a  deer  or  boar  without  au- 
thority was  greater  than  for  killing  a  human  being 
out  of  season. 

In  order  to  erect  a  new  forest,  he  devastated 
thirty  miles  of  farming  country,  and  drove  the 
people,  homeless  and  foodless,  to  the  swamps. 
He  also  introduced  the  curfew,  which  he  had  rung 
in  the  evening  for  his  subjects  in  order  to  remind 
them  that  it  was  time  to  put  out  the  lights,  as  well 
as  the  cat,  and  retire.  This  badge  of  servitude 
caused  great  annoyance  among  the  people,  who 
often  wished  to  sit  up  and  visit,  or  pass  the  tank- 
ard about  and  bid  dull  care  begone. 


88  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 

William,  however,  was  not  entirely  happy. 
While  reigning,  his  children  grew  up  without 
proper  training.  Robert,  his  son,  unhorsed  the 
old  gentleman  at  one  time,  and  would  have  killed 
him  anonymously,  each  wearing  at  the  time  a  gal- 
vanized iron  dinner-pail  over  his  features,  but  just 
at  the  fatal  moment  Robert  heard  his  father's 
well-known  breath  asserting  itself,  and  withheld 
his  hand. 

William's  death  was  one  of  the  most  attractive 
features  of  his  reign.  It  resulted  from  an  injury 
received  during  an  invasion  of  France. 

Philip,  the  king  of  that  country,  had  said  some- 
thing derogatory  regarding  William,'  so  the  latter, 
having  business  in  France,  decided  to  take  his 
army  with  him  and  give  his  soldiers  an  outing. 
William  captured  the  city  of  Mantes,  and  laid  it 
in  ashes  at  his  feet.  These  ashes  were  still  hot 
in  places  when  the  great  conqueror  rode  through 
them,  and  his  horse  becoming  restive,  threw  His 
Royal  Altitoodleum  on  the  pommel  of  his  saddle, 
by  reason  of  which  he  received  a  mortal  hurt,  and 
a  few  weeks  later  he  died,  filled  with  remorse  and 
other  stimulants,  regretting  his  past  life  in  such 
unmeasured  terms  that  he  could  be  heard  all  over 
the  place. 

The  ''feudal  system"  was  now  fully  established 
in  England,  and  lands  descended  from  father  to 
son,  and  were  divided  up  among  the  dependants 


90 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


on  condition  of  the  performance  of  vassalage. 
In  this  way  the  common  people  were  cheerily 
permitted  the  use  of  what  atmosphere  they 
needed  for  breathing  purposes,  on  their  solemn 
promise  to  return  it,  and  at  the  close  of  life,  if 
they  had  succeeded  in  winning  the  royal  favor, 
they  might  contribute  with  their  humble  remains 
to  the  fertility  of  the  royal  vegetable  garden. 


TOB  PBUDAL  SYSTEM  WAS  NOW  FULLY  BSTABLISHBDi. 


CHAPTER    IX. 

THE  FEUDAL  SYSTEM  :  SUCCESSFUL  INAUGURATION  OF 
HOMOGENEAL  METHODS  FOR  RESTRICTING  IN- 
COMPATIBLE   DEMAGOGUES. 

AT  this  time,  under  the  reign  of  William,  a 
^  year  previous  to  his  death,  an  inventory 
was  taken  of  the  real  estate  and  personal 
property  contained  in  the  several  counties  of 
England  ;  and  this  ''  Domesday-book,"  as  it  was 
called,  formed  the  basis  for  subsequent  taxation, 
etc.  There  were  then  three  hundred  thousand 
families  in  England.  The  book  had  a  limited 
circulation,  owing  to  the  fact  that  it  was  made  by 
hand  ;  but  in  i yS^,  it  was  printed. 

William  II.,  surnamed  ^'Rufus  the  Red,"  the 
auburn-haired  son  of  the  king,  took  possession 
of  everything — especially  the  treasure — before 
his  father  was  fully  deceased,  and  by  fair  prom- 
ises solidified  the  left  wing  of  the  royal  party, 
compelling  the  disaffected  Norman  barons  to  fly 
to  France. 

William  II.  and  Robert  his  brother  came  to 
blows  over  a  small  rebellion  organized  by  the 
latter,   but   Robert   yielded   at   last,   and   joined 

91 


92 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


William  with  a  view 
to  making  it  hot  for 
Henry,  who,  being  a 
younger  brother,  ob- 
jected to  wearing  the 
king's  cast-off  reign- 
ing clothes.  He  was 
at  last  forced  to  sub- 
mit, however,  and  the 
three  brothers  gayly 
attacked  Malcolm,  the 
Scotch  malecontent, 
who  was  compelled 
to  yield,  and  thus 
Cumberland  became 
English  ground.  This 
was  in  1091. 
In  1096  the  Crusade  was  creating  much  talk, 
and  Robert,  who  had  expressed  a  desire  to  lead  a 
totally  different  life,  determined  to  go  if  money 
could  be  raised.  Therefore  William  proceeded 
to  levy  on  everything  that  could  be  realized  upon, 
such  as  gold  and  silver  communion  services  and 
other  bric-a-brac,  and  free  coinage  was  then  first 
inaugurated.  The  king  became  so  greedy  that 
on  the  death  of  the  Archbishop  of  Canterbury 
he  made  himself  ex-officio  archbishop,  so  that  he 
might  handle  the  offerings  and  coin  the  plate. 
When  William  was  ill  he  sent  for  Father  Anselm, 


WILLIAM   II.  TAKES   POSSESSION  OF  THE  ROYAL  TRUNK 
AND   SECURES   THE   CROWN. 


THE  FEUDAL  SYSTEM. 


93 


but  when  he  got  well  he  took  back  all  his  sweet 
promises,  in  every  way  reminding  one  of  the 
justly  celebrated  policy  pursued  by  His  Sulphu- 
reous Highness  the  Devil. 

The  capture  of  Jerusalem  by  the  Crusaders 
very  naturally  attracted  the  attention  of  other  am- 
bitious princes  who  wished  also  to  capture  it,  and 
William,  Prince  of  Guienne,  mortgaged  his  prin- 
cipality to  England  that  he  might  raise  money 
to  do  this  ;  but  when  about  to  embark  for  the 
purpose  of  taking  possession  of  this  property, 
William  II.,  the  royal  note-shaver,  while  hunting, 


RUFUS   FOUND   DBAD   IN  THE   FOREST   BY  A   POOR  CHARCOAL-BURNBR. 


94  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND, 

was  shot  accidentally  by  a  companion,  or  assassi- 
nated, it  is  not  yet  known  which,  and  when  found 
by  a  passing  charcoal-burner  was  in  a  dead  state. 
He  was  buried  in  i  loo,  at  Winchester. 

Rufus  had  no  trouble  in  securing  the  public 
approval  of  his  death.  He  was  the  third  of  his 
race  to  perish  in  the  New  Forest,  the  scene  of 
the  Conqueror's  cruelty  to  his  people.  He  was 
a  thick-set  man  with  a  red  face,  a  debauchee  of 
the  deepest  dye,  mean  in  money  matters,  and  as 
full  of  rum  and  mendacity  as  Sitting  Bull,  the 
former  Regent  of  the  Sioux  Nation.  He  died  at 
the  age  of  forty-three  years,  having  reigned  and 
cut  up  in  a  shameful  manner  for  thirteen  years. 

Robert  having  gone  to  the  Holy  Land,  Henry  I. 
was  crowned  at  Westminster.  He  was  educated 
to  a  higher  degree  than  William,  and  knew  the 
multiplication  table  up  to  seven  times  seven,  but 
he  was  highly  immoral,  and  an  armed  chaperon 
stood  between  him  and  common  decency. 

He  also  made  rapid  strides  as  a  liar,  and  even 
his  own  grocer  would  not  trust  him.  He  success- 
fully fainted  when  he  heard  of  his  son's  death, 
1 1 20  A.D. 

His  reign  closed  in  1135,  when  Stephen,  a 
grandson  of  the  Conqueror,  with  the  aid  of  a 
shoe-horn  assumed  the  crown  of  England,  and, 
placing  a  large  damp  towel  in  it,  proceeded  to 
reign.     He  began  at  once  to  swap  patronage  for 


THE  FEUDAL  SYSTEM. 


95  -^  - 


kind  words,  and  every  noble  was  as  ignoble  as  a 
phenomenal  thirst  and  unbridled  lust  could  make 
him.  Every  farm  had  a  stone  jail  on  it,  in  charge 
of  a  noble  jailer.  Feudal  castles,  full  of  malaria 
and  surrounded   by  insanitary  moats  and   poor 


HBNRY   FAINTED   WHEN   HB   HEARD  THE   SAD   NBWS. 

plumbing,  echoed  the  cry  of  the  captive  and  the 
bacchanalian  song  of  the  noble.  The  country 
was  made  desolate  by  duly  authorized  robbers, 
who,  under  the  Crusaders'  standard,  prevented 
the  maturity  of  the  spring  chicken  and  hushed 
the  still,  small  voice  of  the  roast  pig  in  death. 


96 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


William  the  Conqueror  was  not  only  remem- 
bered bitterly  in  the  broken  hearts  of  his  people, 
but  in  history  his  name  will  stand  out  forever 
because  of  his  strange  and  grotesque  designs  on 
posterity. 

In  1 141  Stephen  was  made  prisoner,  and  for 
five  years  he  was  not  restored  to  his  kingdom. 
In  the  mean  time,  Matilda,  the  widow  of  Henry  I., 
encouraged  by  the  prelates,  landed  in  England  to 


MATILDA  LANDING  IN  ENGLAND. 


THE  FEUDAL  SYSTEM.  9/ 

lay  claim  to  the  throne,  and  after  a  great  deal  of 
ill  feeling  and  much  needed  assassination,  her  son 
Henry,  who  had  become  quite  a  large  property- 
owner  in  France,  invaded  England,  and  finally 
succeeded  in  obtaining  recognition  as  the  rightful 
successor  of  Stephen.  Stephen  died  in  1153,  and 
Henry  became  king. 

The  Feudal  System,  which  obtained  in  England 
for  four  hundred  years,  was  a  good  one  for  mili- 
tary purposes,  for  the  king  on  short  notice  might 
raise  an  army  by  calling  on  the  barons,  who  levied 
on  their  vassals,  and  they  in  turn  levied  on  their 
dependants. 

A  feudal  castle  was  generally  built  in  the  Nor- 
man style  of  architecture.  It  had  a  ''donjon,"  or 
keep,  which  was  generally  occupied  by  the  baron 
as  a  bar-room,  feed-trough,  and  cooler  between 
fights.  It  was  built  of  stone,  and  was  lighted  by 
means  of  crevices  through  the  wall  by  day,  and 
by  means  of  a  saucer  of  tallow  and  a  string  or 
rush  which  burned  during  the  night  and  served 
mainly  to  show  how  dark  it  was.  There  was  a 
front  yard  or  fighting-place  around  this,  sur- 
rounded by  a  high  wall,  and  this  again  by  a 
moat.  There  was  an  inner  court  back  of  the 
castle,  into  which  the  baron  could  go  for  thinking. 
A  chapel  was  connected  with  the  institution,  and 
this  was  the  place  to  which  he  retired  for  the  pur- 
pose of  putting  arnica  on  his  conscience. 
E      y  9 


98 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND, 


Underneath  the  castle  was  a  large  dungeon, 
where  people  who  differed  with  the  baron  had  a 
studio.  Sometimes  they  did  not  get  out  at  all, 
but  died  there  in  their  sins,  while  the  baron  had 
all  the  light  of  gospel  and  chapel  privileges  up- 
stairs. 

The  historian  says  that  at  that  time  the  most 
numerous  class  in  England  were  the  "  villains." 
This  need  not  surprise  us,  when  we  remember 
that  it  was  as  much  as  a  man's  life  was  worth 
to  be  anything  else. 

There  were  also  twenty-five  thousand  serfs.  A 
serf  was  required  to  be  at  hand  night  or  day 
when  the  baron  needed  some  one  to  kick.  He 
was  generally  attached  to  the  realty,  like  a  hornet's 
nest,  but  not  necessary  to  it. 

In  the  following  chapter  knighthood  and  the 
early  hardware  trade  will  be  touched  upon. 


IN   HOC   SIGNO   VINCBS. 


CHAPTER    X. 

1  HE  AGE  OF  CHIVALRY  :  LIGHT  DISSERTATION  ON  THE 
KNIGHTS-ERRANT,  MAIDS,  FOOLS,  PRELATES,  AND 
OTHER  NOTORIOUS  CHARACTERS   OF  THAT  PERIOD. 

THE  age  of  chivalry,  which  yielded  such  good 
material  to  the  poet  and  romancer,  was  no 
doubt  essential  to  the  growth  of  civiliza- 
tion, but  it  must  have  been  an  unhappy  period 
for  legitimate  business.  How  could  trade,  com- 
merce, or  even  the  professions,  arts,  or  sciences, 
flourish  while  the  entire  population  spread  itself 
over  the  bleaching-boards,  day  after  day,  to  watch 
the  process  of  ''jousting,"  while  the  corn  was  "  in 
the  grass,"  and  everybody's  notes  went  to  protest  ? 
Then  came  the  days  of  knight-errantry,  when 
parties  in  malleable-iron  clothing  and  shirts  of 
mail — which  were  worn  without  change — rode  up 
and  down  the  country  seeking  for  maids  in  dis- 
tress. A  pretty  maid  in  those  days  who  lived  on 
the  main  road  could  put  on  her  riding-habit,  go  to 
the  window  up-stairs,  shed  a  tear,  wave  her  ker- 
chief in  the  air,  and  in  half  an  hour  have  the  front 
lawn  full  of  knights-errant  tramping  over  the 
peony  beds  and  castor-oil  plants. 

99 


A   PRETTY    MAID   IN   THOSE   DAYS. 


THE  AGE  OF  CHIVALRY.:'^    >    .     Jfi!, 

In  this  way  a  new  rescuer  from  day  to  day 
during  the  *' errant"  season  might  be  expected. 
Scarcely  would  the  fair  maid  reach  her  destina- 
tion and  get  her  wraps  hung  up,  when  a  rattle 
of  gravel  on  the  window  would  attract  her  atten- 
tion, and  outside  she  would  see,  with  swelling 
heart,  another  knight-errant,  who  crooked  his 
Russia-iron  elbow  and  murmured,  "Miss,  may  I 
have  the  pleasure  of  this  escape  with  you?" 

"  But  I  do  not  recognize  you,  sir,"  she  would 
straightway  make  reply  ;  and  well  she  might,  for, 
with  his  steel-shod  countenance  and  corrugated- 
iron  clothes,  he  was  generally  so  thoroughly  incog. 
that  his  crest,  on  a  new  shield  freshly  painted  and 
grained  and  bearing  a  motto,  was  his  only  intro- 
duction. Imagine  a  sweet  girl,  who  for  years 
had  been  under  the  eagle  eye  of  a  middle-weight 
chaperon,  suddenly  espying  in  the  moonlight  a 
disofuised  man  under  the  window  on  horseback, 
in  the  act  of  asking  her  to  join  him  for  a  few 
weeks  at  his  shooting-box  in  the  swamp.  Then, 
if  you  please,  imagine  her  asking  for  his  card, 
whereupon  he  exposes  the  side  of  his  new  tin 
shield,  on  which  is  painted  in  large  Old  English 
letters  a  Latin  motto  meaning,  "It  is  the  early 
bird  that  catches  the  worm,"  with  bird  rampant, 
worm  couchant  on  a  field  uncultivated. 

Then,  seating  herself  behind  the  knight,  she 
must   escape   for   days,    and    even   weeks, — one 


THE  AGE  OF  CHIVALRY. 


103 


escape  seeming  to  call  for  another,  as  it  were. 
Thus,  however,  the  expense  of  a  wedding  was 
saved,  and  the  knight  with  the  biggest  chest 
measurement  generally  got  the  heiress  with  the 
copper-colored  hair. 

He  wore  a  crest  on 
his    helmet    adorned 
with  German  favors 
given   him   by   lady 
admirers,  so  that  the 
crest  of  a  popular 
young  knight  often 
looked  like  a  slump 
at  the  Bon  Marche. 

The  most  peculiar 
condition  required 
for  entry  into  knight- 
hood was  the  **  vigil 
of  arms,"  which  con- 
sisted in  keeping  a  long  silent  watch  in  some 
gloomy  spot — a  haunted  one  preferred — over  the 
arms  he  was  about  to  assume.  The  illustration 
representing  this  subject  is  without  doubt  one 
of  the  best  of  the  kind  extant,  and  even  in  the 
present  age  of  the  gold-cure  is  suggestive  of  a 
night-errant  of  .to-day. 

A  tournament  was  a  sort  of  refined  equestrian 
prize-fight  with  one-hundred-ounce  jabbers.  Each 
knight,  clad  in  tin-foil  and  armed  cap-a-pie,  riding 


CREST  OF   A   POPULAR   KNIGHT. 


I04 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


in  each  others  direction  just  as  fast  as  possible 
with  an  uncontrollable  desire  to  push  one's  adver- 
sary off  his  horse,  which  meant  defeat,  because 
no  man  could  ever  climb  a  horse  in  full  armor 
without  a  feudal  derrick  to  assist  him. 


A  JUDICIAL  COMBAT. 


The  victor  was  entitled  to  the  horse  and  armor 
of  the  vanquished,  which  made  the  castle  paddock 
of  a  successful  knight  resemble  the  convalescent 
ward  of  the  Old  Horses*  Home. 

This  tourney  also  constituted  the  prevailing 
court  of  those  times,  and  the  plaintiff,  calling 
upon  God  to  defend  the  right,  charged  upon  the 


THE  AGE   OF  CHIVALRY,  I05 

defendant  with  a  charge  which  took  away  the 
breath  of  his  adversary.  This,  of  course,  was 
only  applicable  to  certain  cases,  and  could 
not  be  used  in  trials  for  divorce,  breach  of 
promise,  etc. 

The  tournament  was  practically  the  forerunner 
of  the  duel.  In  each  case  the  parties  in  effect 
turned  the  matter  over  to  Omnipotence  ;  but  still 
the  man  who  had  his  back  to  the  sun,  and  knew 
how  to  handle  firearms  and  cutlery,  generally  felt 
most  comfortable. 

'  Gentlemen  who  were  not  engaged  in  combat, 
but  who  attended  to  the  grocery  business  during 
the  Norman  period,  wore  a  short  velvet  cloak 
trimmed  with  fur  over  a  doublet  and  hose.  The 
shoes  were  pointed, — as  were  the  remarks  made 
by  the  irate  parent, — and  generally  the  shoes  and 
remarks  accompanied  each  other  when  a  young 
tradesman  sought  the  hand  of  the  daughter, 
whilst  she  had  looked  forward  to  a  two-hundred- 
mile  ride  on  the  crupper  of  a  knight-errant  with- 
out stopping  for  feed  or  water. 

In  those  days  also,  the  fool  made  no  effort  to 
disguise  his  folly  by  going  to  Congress  or  fussing 
with  the  currency,  but  wore  a  uniform  which 
designated  his  calling  and  saved  time  in  esti- 
mating his  value. 

The  clergy  in  those  days  possessed  the  bulk 
of  knowledge,    and    had    matters   so   continued 


Io6  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 

the  vacant  pew  would  have  less  of  a  hold  on 
people  than  it  has  to-day ;  but  in  some  way 
knowledge  escaped  from  the  cloister  and  per- 
colated through  the  other  professions,  so  that 
to-day  in  England,  out  of  a  good-sized  family, 
the  pulpit  generally  has  to  take  what  is  left 
after  the  army,  navy,  politics,  law,  and  golf  have 
had  the  pick.  It  was  a  fatal  error  to  permit  the 
escape  of  knowledge  in  that  way ;  and  when 
southern  Europe,  now  priest-ridden  and  pauper- 
ized, learns  to  read  and  write,  the  sleek  blood- 
suckers will  eat  plainer  food  and  the  poor  will 
not  go  entirely  destitute. 

The  Normans  ate  two  meals  a  day,  and  intro- 
duced better  cooking  among  the  Saxons,  who  had 
been  accustomed  to  eat  very  little  except  while 
under  the  influence  of  stimulants,  and  who  there- 
fore did  not  realize  what  they  ate.  The  Normans 
went  in  more  for  meat  victuals,  and  thus  the 
names  of  meat,  such  as  veal,  beef,  pork,  and  mut- 
ton, are  of  Norman  origin,  while  the  names  of  the 
animals  in  a  live  state  are  calf,  ox,  pig,  and  sheep, 
all  Saxon  names. 

The  Authors'  Club  of  England  at  this  time 
consisted  of  Geoffrey  of  Monmouth  and  another 
man.  They  wrote  their  books  with  quill  pens, 
and  if  the  authorities  did  not  like  what  was  said, 
the  author  could  be  made  to  suppress  the  entire 
edition  for  a  week's  board,  or  for  a  bumper  of 


THE  AGE  OF  CHIVALRY. 


107 


Rhenish  wine  with  a  touch  of  pepper-sauce  in  it 
he  would  change  the  objectionable  part  by  means 
of  an  eraser. 

It  was  under  these  circumstances  that  the  Plan- 


r;    Bii 

txiii  I 


THE   AUTHORS     CLUB   AT  THIS  TIME. 


tagenets  became  leaders  in  society,  and  added 
their  valuable  real  estate  in  France  to  the  English 
dominions.  In  1154,  Henry  Plantagenet  was  thus 
the  most  powerful  monarch  in  Europe,  and  by 
wedding  his  son  Geoffrey  to  the  daughter  of  the 


I08  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND, 

Duke  of  Brittany,  soon  scooped  in  that  valuable 
property  also. 

He  broke  up  the  custom  of  issuing  pickpocket 
and  felony  licenses  to  his  nobles,  seized  the  royal 
stone-piles  and  other  nests  for  common  sneak 
thieves,  and  resolved  to  give  the  people  a  chance 
to  pay  taxes  and  die  natural  deaths.  The  disor- 
derly nobles  were  reduced  to  the  ranks  or  sent 
away  to  institutions  for  inebriates,  and  people 
began  to  permit  their  daughters  to  go  about  the 
place  unarmed. 

Foreign  mercenaries  who  had  so  long  infested 
the  country  were  ordered  to  leave  it  under  penalty 
of  having  their  personal  possessions  confiscated, 
and  their  own  carcasses  dissected  and  fed  to  the 
wild  boars. 

Henry  next  gave  his  attention  to  the  ecclesiastic 
power.  He  chose  Thomas  a  Becket  to  the  vacant 
portfolio  as  Archbishop  of  Canterbury,  hoping 
thus  to  secure  him  as  an  ally  ;  but  a  Becket, 
though  accustomed  to  ride  after  a  four-in-hand 
and  assume  a  style  equal  to  the  king  himself, 
suddenly  became  extremely  devout,  and  austerity 
characterized  this  child  of  fortune,  insomuch  that 
each  day  on  bended  knees  he  bathed  the  chapped 
and  soiled  feet  of  thirteen  beggars.  Why  thirteen 
beggars  should  come  around  every  morning  to 
the  archbishop's  study  to  have  their  feet  mani- 
cured, or  how  that  could  possibly  mollify  an  out- 


no 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


raged  God,  the  historian  does  not  claim  to  state, 
and,  in  fact,  is  not  able  to  throw  any  light  upon 
it  at  the  price  agreed  upon  for  this  book. 


A  COOLNESS   BETWEEN  THE   KING   AND   THE  ARCHBISHOP. 


Trouble  now  arose  between  the  king  and  the 
archbishop  ;  a  protracted  coolness,  during  which 
the  king  s  pew  grew  gray  with  dust,  and  he  had 
to  baptize  and  confirm  his  own  children  in  addition 
to  his  other  work. 

The   king  now  summoned  the  prelates  ;    but 


THE  AGE   OF  CHIVALRY,  Ml 

they  excused  themselves  from  coming  on  the 
grounds  of  previous  engagements.  Then  he 
summoned  the  nobles  also,  and  gave  the  prelates 
one  more  chance,  v^hich  they  decided  to  avail 
themselves  of.  Thus  the  ''  Constitutions  of  Clar- 
endon" were  adopted  in  1 164,  and  Becket,  though 
he  at  first  bolted  the  action  of  the  convention, 
soon  became  reconciled  and  promised  to  fall  into 
line,  though  he  hated  it  like  sin. 

Then  the  Roman  pontiff  annulled  the  consti- 
tutions, and  scared  Becket  back  again  into  his 
original  position.  This  angered  the  king,  who 
condemned  his  old  archbishop,  and  he  fled  to 
France,  where  he  had  a  tall  time.  The  Pope 
threatened  to  excommunicate  Henry ;  but  the 
latter  told  him  to  go  ahead,  as  he  did  not  fear 
excommunication,  having  been  already  twice  ex- 
posed to  it  while  young. 

Finally  a  Becket  was  banished  ;  but  after  six 
years  returned,  and  all  seemed  again  smooth  and 
joyous  ;  but  Becket  kept  up  the  war  indirectly 
against  Henry,  till  one  day  he  exclaimed  in  his 
wrath,  "  Is  there  no  one  of  my  subjects  who  will 
rid  me  of  this  insolent  priest?"  Whereupon  four 
loyal  knights,  who  were  doubtless  of  Scotch  ex- 
traction, and  who  therefore  could  not  take  a  joke, 
thought  the  king  in  dead  earnest,  and  actually 
butchered  the  misguided  archbishop  in  a  sickening 
manner  before  the  altar.     This  was  in  1 1 70. 


112 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


Henry,  who  was  in  France  when  this  occurred, 
was  thoroughly  horrified  and  frightened,  no 
doubt.  So  much  so,  in  fact,  that  he  agreed  to 
make  a   pilgrimage   barefoot    to    the    tomb   of 


HENRY   WALKING  TO   THH  TOMB   OF   BECKBT. 


a  Becket ;  but  even  this  did  not  place  him  upon 
a  firm  footing  with  the  clergy,  who  paraded 
a  Becket's  assassination  on  all  occasions,  and 
thus  strengthened  this  opposition  to  the  king. 


CHAPTER    XI. 

CONQUEST  OF  IRELAND  :  UNCOMFORTABLE  EFFECTS 
FOLLOWING  THE  CULTIVATION  OF  AN  ACQUIS- 
ITORIAL   PROPENSITY. 


IN  1 1 73  occurred  the  conquest  of  Ireland, 
anciently  called  Hibernia.  These  people 
were  similar  to  the  Britons,  but  of  their 
history  prior  to  the  year  400  a.d.  little  is  known. 
Before  Christ  a  race  of  men  inhabited  Ireland, 
however,  who  had  their  own  litera- 
ture, and  who  were  advanced  in  the 
arts.  This  was  before  the  intro- 
duction of  the  ''  early  mass"  whis- 
kers, and  prior  to  the  days 
when  the  Orangemen  had  sent 
forth  their  defiant  peal. 

In  the  fifth  century  Ireland 
was  converted  by  St.  Patrick, 
and  she  became  known  as 
the  Island  of  Saints  and 
Scholars.  To  say  that  she 
has  become  the  island  of 
pugilists  and  policemen  to- 
day would  be  unjust,  and 


10* 


EARLY  mass"   WHISKERS. 


114  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND, 

to  say  that  she  has  more  influence  in  America 
than  in  Ireland  would  be  unkind.  Surely  her 
modern  history  is  most  pathetic. 

For  three  centuries  the  island  was  harassed  by 
the  Danes  and  Northmen  ;  but  when  the  Marquis 
of  Queensberry  rules  were  adopted,  the  latter 
threw  up  the  sponge.  The  finish  fight  occurred 
at  Clontarf,  near  Dublin. 

Henry  had  written  permission  from  the  Pope  to 
conquer  Ireland  years  and  years  before  he  cared 
to  do  it.  Sometimes  it  rained,  and  at  other  times 
he  did  not  feel  like  it,  so  that  his  permission  got 
almost  worn  out  by  carrying  it  about  with  him. 

In  1172,  however,  an  Irish  chief,  or  subordinate 
king,  had  trouble  with  his  kingdom, — doubtless 
because  some  rival  monarch  stepped  in  it  and 
tracked  it  around  over  the  other  kingdoms, — and 
so  he  called  upon  the  Anglo-Normans  under 
Strongbow  (Richard  de  Clare),  whose  declaration 
of  Independence  was  the  first  thing  of  the  kind 
known  to  civilization,  for  help.  While  assisting  the 
Irish  chief,  Strongbow  noticed  a  royal  wink  on  the 
features  of  Henry,  and  acting  upon  it  proceeded 
to  gather  in  the  other  precincts  of  Ireland.  Thus, 
in  1 1 72,  the  island  was  placed  under  the  rule  of 
a  viceroy  sent  there  by  England. 

Henry  now  had  trouble  with  three  of  his  sons, 
Henry,  Richard,  and  Geoffrey,  who  threatened 
that  if  the  old  gentleman  did  not  divide  up  his 


Ii6 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND, 


kingdom  among  them  they  would  go  to  Paris 
and  go  into  the  roue  business.  Henry  himself 
was  greatly  talked  about,  and  his  name  coupled 
with  that  of  fair  Rosamond  Clifford,  a  rival  of 
Queen  Eleanor.  The  king  refused  to  grant  the 
request  of  his  sons,  and  bade  them  go  ahead  with 
their  roue  enterprises  so  long  as  they  did  not  enter 
into  competition  with  him. 

So  they  went  to  Paris,  where  their  cuttings-up 
were  not  noticed.  The  queen  took  their  side,  as 
also  did  Louis  of  France  and  William,  King  of 
Scotland.    With  the  Becket  difficulty  still  keeping 


THE   UNHAPPY   FATHER   SANK   INTO   THE  GRAVE. 


CONQUEST  OF  IRELAND,  11/ 

him  awake  of  nights  also,  the  king  was  in  con- 
stant hot  water,  and  for  a  time  it  seemed  that  he 
would  have  to  seek  other  employment ;  but  his 
masterly  hit  in  making  a  barefooted  pilgrimage  to 
the  tomb  of  Becket,  thus  securing  absolution  from 
the  Archbishop  of  Canterbury,  turned  the  tide. 

William  of  Scotland  was  made  a  prisoner  in 
1 1 74,  and  the  confederacy  against  the  king  broken 
up.  Thus,  in  1 175,  the  castle  at  Edinburgh  came 
into  the  hands  of  the  English,  and  roast  beef  was 
substituted  for  oats.  Irish  and  Scotch  whiskey 
were  now  introduced  into  the  national  policy, 
and  bits  of  bright  English  humor,  with  foot-notes 
for  the  use  of  the  Scots,  were  shipped  to  Edin- 
burgh. 

Henry  had  more  trouble  with  his  sons,  however, 
and  they  embittered  his  life  as  the  sons  of  a  too- 
frolicsome  father  are  apt  to  do.  Henry  Jr.  died 
repentant ;  but  Geoffrey  perished  in  his  sins  in  a 
tournament,  although  generally  the  tournament 
was  supposed  to  be  conducive  to  longevity. 
Richard  was  constitutionally  a  rebel,  and  at  last 
compelled  the  old  gentleman  to  yield  to  a  humil- 
iating treaty  with  the  French  in  1 1 89.  Finding 
in  the  list  of  the  opposing  forces  the  name  of 
John,  his  young  favorite  son,  the  poor  old  bat- 
tered monarch,  in  1 1 89,  selected  an  unoccupied 
grave  and  took  possession  of  same. 

He  cursed  his  sons  and  died  miserably,  deserted 


ii8 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


by  his  followers,  who  took  such  clothing  as  fitted 
them  best,  and  would  have  pawned  the  throne 
had  it  not  been  out  of  style  and  unavailable  for 
that  purpose,  beside  being  secured  to  the  castle. 
His  official  life  was  creditable  to  a  high  degree, 


WHEN   RICHARD   WAS  SICK   THE  GENEROUS  SULTAN  SENT  HIM   FRUITS  AND   ICE. 


but  his  private  life  seemed  to  call  loudly  for  a 
good,  competent  disinfectant. 

Richard  Kyur  duh  le  ong,  as  the  French  have 
it,  or  Richard  I.  of  the  lion  heart,  reigned  in  his 
father's  stead  from  1189  to  1199.  His  reign 
opened  with  a  disagreeable  massacre.  The  Jews, 
who  had  brought  him  some  presents  to  wear  at 
his  inaugural  ball,  were  insulted  by  the  populace, 


CONQUEST  OF  IRELAND.  II9 

who  believed  that  the  king  favored  a  massacre, 
and  so  many  were  put  to  death. 

Richard  and  Philip  of  France  organized  a 
successful  crusade  against  people  who  were  not 
deemed  orthodox,  and  succeeded  in  bagging  a 
good  many  in  Syria,  where  the  woods  were  full 
of  infidels. 

Richard,  however,  was  so  overbearing  that 
Philip  could  not  get  along  with  him,  and  they 
dissolved  partnership  ;  but  Richard  captured  As- 
calon  after  this.  His  army  was  too  much  reduced, 
however,  to  capture  Jerusalem. 

Saladin,  the  opposing  sultan,  was  a  great  ad- 
mirer of  Richard,  and  when  the  lion-hearted  king 
was  ill,  sent  him  fruits  and  even  ice,  so  the  his- 
torian says.  Where  the  Saracens  got  their  ice  at 
that  time  we  can  only  surmise. 

Peace  was  established,  and  the  pilgrims  who 
desired  to  enter  the  holy  city  were  unmolested. 
This  matter  was  settled  in  1192. 

On  his  return  Richard  was  compelled  to  go 
incog,  through  Germany,  as  the  authorities  were 
opposed  to  him.  He  was  discovered  and  con- 
fined till  a  large  ransom  was  paid. 

Philip  and  John,  the  king's  brother,  decided 
that  Richard's  extremity  was  their  opportunity, 
and  so  concluded  to  divide  up  his  kingdom  be- 
tween them.  At  this  dramatic  moment  Richard, 
having  paid  his  sixty  thousand  pounds  ransom 


I20 


mSTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


and  tipped  his  custodian,  entered  the  English 
arena,  and  the  jig  was  up.  John  was  obliged  to 
ask  pardon,  and  Richard  generously  gave  it,  with 
the  exclamation,  **  Oh,  that  I  could  forget  his 
injuries  as  soon  as  he  will  my  forgiveness  !" 


^;3^^ 


>.L. 


RICHARD   TRAVELLING   INCOG.   THROUGH   GERMANY. 


Richard  never  secured  a  peace  with  Philip,  but 
died,  in  1 199,  from  the  effects  of  a  wound  received 
in  France,  and  when  but  forty-two  years  of  age. 
The  longevity  among  monarchs  of  the  present 
day  is  indeed  gratifying  when  one  reads  of  the 
brief  lives   of  these   old   reigners,   for  it  surely 


CONQUEST  OF  IRELAND.  121 

demonstrates  that  royalty,  when  not  carried  to 
excess,  is  rather  conducive  to  health  than  other- 
wise. 

Richard  died  from  the  effects  of  an  arrow 
wound,  and  all  his  foes  in  this  engagement  were 
hanged,  except  the  young  warrior  who  had  given 
him  his  death  wound.  Doubtless  this  was  done 
to  encourage  good  marksmanship. 

England  got  no  benefit  from  Richard's  great 
daring  and  expensive  picnics  in  Palestine  ;  but 
of  course  he  advertised  Great  Britain,  and  fright- 
ened foreign  powers  considerably.  The  taxation 
necessary  to  maintain  an  army  in  the  Holy  Land, 
where  board  was  high,  kept  England  poor  ;  but 
every  one  was  proud  of  Richard,  because  he 
feared  not  the  face  of  clay. 

John,  the  disagreeable  brother,  succeeded  Rich- 
ard, and  reigned  seventeen  years,  though  his 
nephew,  Arthur,  the  son  of  Geoffrey,  was  the 
rightful  heir.  Philip,  who  kept  himself  in  pocket- 
money  by  starting  one-horse  rebellions  against 
England,  joined  with  Arthur  long  enough  to 
effect  a  treaty,  in  1200,  which  kept  him  in  gro- 
ceries several  years,  when  he  again  brought 
Prince  Arthur  forward  ;  but  this  was  disastrous, 
for  the  young  prince  was  captured  and  cruelly 
assassinated  by  request  of  his  affectionate  uncle, 
King  John. 

To  be  a  relative  of  the  king  in  those  good  old 


122 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


JOHN   CAUSED    ARTHUR   TO    BE    CRUELLY    MURDERED, 


days  was  generally  fatal.  Let  us  rejoice  that 
times  have  so  greatly  improved,  and  that  the 
wicked  monarch  has  learned  to  seat  himself  gin- 
gerly upon  his  bomb-infested  throne. 


CHAPTER    XII. 

MAGNA  CHARTA  INTRODUCED  :  SLIGHT  DIFFICULTIES 
ENCOUNTERED  IN  OVERCOMING  AN  UNPOPULAR 
AND    UNREASONABLE    PREJUDICE. 

PHILIP  called  the  miserable  monarch  to  ac- 
count for  the  death  of  Arthur,  and,  as  a 
result,  John  lost  his  French  possessions. 
Hence  the  weak  and  wicked  son  of  Henry  Plan- 
tagenet,  since  called  Lackland,  ceased  to  be  a 
tax-payer  in  France,  and  proved  to  a  curious 
world  that  a  court  fool  in  his  household  was 
superfluous. 

John  now  became  mixed  up  in  a  fracas  with  the 
Roman  pontiff,  who  would  have  been  justified  in 
giving  him  a  Roman  punch.  Why  he  did  not,  no 
Roman  knows. 

On  the  death  of  the  Archbishop  of  Canterbury 
in  1205,  Stephen  Langton  was  elected  to  the 
place,  with  a  good  salary  and  use  of  the  rectory. 
John  refused  to  confirm  the  appointment,  whereat 
Innocent  III.,  the  pontiff,  closed  the  churches  and 
declared  a  general  lock-out.  People  were  denied 
Christian  burial  in  1208,  and  John  was  excom- 
municated in  1209. 

i23 


124 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


Philip  united  with  the  Pope,  and  together  they 
raised  the  temperature  for  John  so  that  he  yielded 
to  the  Roman  pontiff,  and  in  1 2 1 3  agreed  to  pay 


KING  JOHN   SIGNS  THE   MAGNA   CHARTA. 


him  a  comfortable  tribute.  The  French  king  at 
tempted  to  conquer  England,  but  was  defeated 
in  a  great  naval  battle  in  the  harbor  of  Damme. 
Philip  afterwards  admitted  that  the  English  were 


MAGNA    CHARTA   INTRODUCED.  125 

not  conquered  by  a  Damme  site  ;  but  the  Pope 
absolved  him  for  two  dollars. 

It  was  now  decided  by  the  royal  subjects  that 
John  should  be  still  further  restrained,  as  he  had 
disgraced  his  nation  and  soiled  his  ermine.  So 
the  barons  raised  an  army,  took  London,  and  at 
Runnymede,  June  15,  121 5,  compelled  John  to 
sign  the  famous  Magna  Charta,  giving  his  sub- 
jects many  additional  rights  to  the  use  of  the 
climate,  and  so  forth,  which  they  had  not  known 
before. 

Among  other  things  the  right  of  trial  by  his 
peers  was  granted  to  the  freeman  ;  and  so,  out 
of  the  mental  and  moral  chaos  and  general  stra- 
bismus of  royal  justice,  everlasting  truth  and 
human  rights  arose. 

Scarcely  was  the  ink  dry  on  Magna  Charta, 
and  hardly  had  the  king  returned  his  tongue  to 
its  place  after  signing  the  instrument,  when  he 
began  to  organize  an  army  of  foreign  soldiers, 
with  which  he  laid  waste  with  fire  and  sword  the 
better  part  of  ''  Merrie  Englande." 

But  the  barons  called  on  Philip,  the  general 
salaried  Peacemaker  Plenipotentiary,  who  sent 
his  son  Louis  with  an  army  to  overtake  John  and 
punish  him  severely.  The  king  was  overtaken 
by  the  tide  and  lost  all  his  luggage,  treasure,  hat- 
box,  dress-suit  case,  return  ticket,  annual  address, 

shoot-guns,   stab-knives,   rolling  stock,  and  cata- 

II* 


126  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 

pults,  together  with  a  fine  flock  of  battering- 
rams. 

This  loss  brought  on  a  fever,  of  which  he  died, 
in  1 216  A.D.,  after  eighteen  years  of  reign  and 
wind. 

A  good  execrator  could  here  pause  a  few  weeks 
and  do  well. 

History  holds  but  few  such  characters  as  John, 
who  was  not  successful  even  in  crime.  He  may 
be  regarded  roughly  as  the  royal  poultice  who 
brought  matters  to  a  head  in  England,  and  who, 
by  means  of  his  treachery,  cowardice,  and  phe- 
nomenal villany,  acted  as  a  counter-irritant  upon 
the  malarial  surface  of  the  body  politic. 

After  the  death  of  John,  the  Earl  of  Pembroke, 
who  was  Marshal  of  England,  caused  Henry,  the 
nine-year-old  son  of  the  late  king,  to  be  promptly 
crowned. 

Pembroke  was  chosen  protector,  and  so  served 
till  1 2 19,  when  he  died,  and  was  succeeded  by 
Hubert  de  Burgh.  Louis,  with  the  French  forces, 
had  been  defeated  and  driven  back  home,  so 
peace  followed. 

Henry  III.  was  a  weak  king,  as  is  too  well 
known,  but  was  kind.  He  behaved  well  enough 
till  about  1 231,  when  he  began  to  ill-treat  de 
Burgh. 

He  became  subservient  to  the  French  element 
and  his  wife's  relatives  from  Provence  (pronounced 


MAGNA    CHARTA   INTRODUCED. 


127 


Provongs).  He  imported  officials  by  the  score, 
and  Eleanor's  family  never  released  their  hold 
upon  the  public  teat  night  or  day.     They  would 


THE   PROMPT  CORONATION  OF  THE   NINB-YEAR-OLD   KING   HENRY. 


cry  bitterly  if  deprived  of  same  even  for  a  mo- 
ment.    This  was  about  the  year  1236. 

Besides  this,  and  feeling  that  more  hot  water 
was  necessary  to  keep  up  a  ruddy  glow,  the  king 


128  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND, 

was  held  tightly  beneath  the  thumb  of  the  Pope. 
Thus  Italy  claimed  and  secured  the  fat  official 
positions  in  the  church.  The  pontiff  gave  Henry 
the  crown  of  Sicily  with  a  C.O.D.  on  it,  which 
Henry  could  not  raise  without  the  assistance  of 
Parliament.  Parliament  did  not  like  this,  and  the 
barons  called  upon  him  one  evening  with  concealed 
brass  knuckles  and  things,  and  compelled  him  to 
once  more  comply  with  the  regulations  of  Magna 
Charta,  which  promise  he  rigidly  adhered  to  until 
the  committee  had  turned  the  first  corner  outside 
the  royal  lawn. 

Possessing  peculiar  gifts  as  a  versatile  liar  and 
boneless  coward,  and  being  entirely  free  from  the 
milk  of  human  kindness  or  bowels  of  compassion, 
his  remains  were  eagerly  sought  after  and  yearned 
for  by  scientists  long  before  he  decided  to  aban- 
don them. 

Again,  in  1258,  he  was  required  to  submit  to 
the  requests  of  the  barons  ;  but  they  required  too 
much  this  time,  and  a  civil  war  followed. 

Simon  de  Montfort,  Earl  of  Leicester,  at  the 
head  of  the  rebellious  barons,  won  a  victory  over 
the  king  in  1264,  and  took  the  monarch  and  his 
son  Edward  prisoners. 

Leicester  now  ruled  the  kingdom,  and  not  only 
called  an  extra  session  of  Parliament,  but  in  1265 
admitted  representatives  of  the  towns  and  bor- 
oughs, thereby  instituting  the  House  of  Commons, 


130  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 

where  self-made  men  might  sit  on  the  small  of  the 
back  with  their  hats  on  and  cry  ''  Hear  !  Hear  !" 

The  House  of  Commons  is  regarded  as  the 
bulwark  of  civil  and  political  liberty,  and  when 
under  good  police  regulations  is  still  a  great  boon. 

Prince  Edward  escaped  from  jail  and  organized 
an  army,  which  in  1265  defeated  the  rebels,  and 
Leicester  and  his  son  were  slain.  The  wicked 
soldiery  wreaked  their  vengeance  upon  the  body 
of  the  fallen  man,  for  they  took  great  pride  in 
their  prowess  as  wreakers  ;  but  in  the  hearts  of 
the  people  Leicester  was  regarded  as  a  martyr  to 
their  cause. 

Henry  III.  was  now  securely  seated  once  more 
upon  his  rather  restless  throne,  and  as  Edward 
had  been  a  good  boy  for  some  time,  his  father 
gave  him  permission  to  visit  the  Holy  Land,  in 
1270,  with  Louis  of  France,  who  also  wished  to 
go  to  Jerusalem  and  take  advantage  of  the  low 
Jewish  clothing  market.  In  1272  Henry  died, 
during  the  absence  of  his  son,  after  fifty-six  years 
of  vacillation  and  timidity.  He  was  the  kind  of 
king  who  would  sit  up  half  of  the  night  trying  to 
decide  which  boot  to  pull  off  first,  and  then,  with 
a  deep-drawn  sigh,  go  to  bed  with  them  on. 

Edward,  surnamed  ''  Longshanks,"  having  col- 
lected many  antiques,  and  cut  up  a  few  also, 
returned  and  took  charge  of  the  throne.  He 
found    England    prosperous   and    the    Normans 


MAGNA    CHARTA   INTRODUCED. 


131     - 


and  Saxons  now  thoroughly  united  and  homo- 
geneous. Edward  did  not  hurry  home  as  some 
would  have  done,  but  sent  word  to  have  his 
father's  funeral  made  as  cheery  as  possible,  and 
remained  over  a  year  in  Italy  and  France.     He 


LONGSHANKS  RECEIVES  TIDINGS  OF  HIS  FATHER  S  DEATH. 


was  crowned  in  1274.  In  a  short  time,  however, 
he  had  trouble  with  the  Welsh,  and  in  1282,  in 
battle,  the  Welsh  prince  became  somehow  en- 
tangled with  his  own  name  so  that  he  tripped 
and  fell,  and  before  he  could  recover  his  feet  was 
slain. 


132 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


Wales  having  been  annexed  to  the  crown, 
Edward's  son  was  vested  with  its  government, 
and  the  heir-apparent  has  ever  since  been  called 
the  Prince  of  Wales.  •  It  is  a  good  position,  but 
becomes  irksome  after  fifty  or  sixty  years,  it  is 
said. 


CONQUEST  OF  WALBS. 


CHAPTER    XIII. 

FURTHER  DISAGREEMENTS  RECORDED  :  ILLUSTRATING 
THE  AMIABILITY-  OF  THE  JEW  AND  THE  PER- 
VERSITY  OF   THE   SCOi 

IN  1278  the  Jews,  to  the  number  of  two  hun- 
dred and  eighty,  were  hanged  for  having  in 
their  possession  clipped  coins.  Shortly  after- 
wards all  the  Jews  in  England  were  imprisoned. 
Whenever  times  were  hard  the  Jews  were  impris- 
oned, and  on  one  job  lot  alone  twelve  thousand 
pounds  were  realized  in  ransom.  And  still  the 
Jews  are  not  yet  considered  as  among  the  re- 
deemed. In  1290  they  were  all  banished  from 
the  kingdom  and  their  property  seized  by  the 
crown.  This  seizure  of  real  estate  turned  the 
attention  of  the  Jews  to  the  use  of  diamonds  as 
an  investment.  For  four  hundred  years  the  Jews 
were  not  permitted  to  return  to  England. 

Scotch  wars  were  kept  up  during  the  rest  of  Ed- 
ward's reign  ;  but  in  1291,  with  great  reluctance, 
Scotland  submitted,  and  Baliol,  whose  trouble  with 
Bruce  had  been  settled  in  favor  of  the  former, 
was  placed  upon  the  throne.     But  the  king  was 

overbearing  to  Baliol,  insomuch  that  the  Scotch 

12  133 


134  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 

joined  with  the  Normans  in  war  with  England, 
which  resulted,  in  1293,  in  the  destruction  of  the 
Norman  navy. 

Philip  then  subpoenaed  Edward,  as  Duke  of 
Guienne,  to  show  cause  why  he  should  not  pay 
damages  for  the  loss  of  the  navy,  which  could 
not  be  replaced  for  less  than  twenty  pounds,  and 
finally  wheedled  Edward  out  of  the  duchy. 

Philip  maintained  a  secret  understanding  with 
Baliol,  however,  and  Edward  called  a  parliament, 
founded  upon  the  great  principle  that  ''what 
concerns  all  should  be  approved  by  all."  This 
was  in  1295  ;  and  on  this  declaration,  so  far  as 
successful  government  is  concerned,  hang  all  the 
law  and  the  profits. 

The  following  year  Edward  marched  into  Scot- 
land, where  he  captured  Baliol  and  sent  him  to 
France,  where  he  died,  in  boundless  obscurity,  in 
1297.  Baliol  was  succeeded  by  the  brave  William 
Wallace,  who  won  a  great  battle  at  Stirling,  but 
was  afterwards  defeated  entirely  at  Falkirk,  and 
in  1305  was  executed  in  London  by  request. 

But  the  Scotch  called  to  their  aid  Robert  Bruce, 
the  grandson  of  Baliol' s  competitor,  and  he  was 
solemnly  crowned  at  the  Abbey  of  Scone. 

During  a  successful  campaign  against  these  peo- 
ple Edward  fell  sick,  and  died  in  1307.  He  left 
orders  for  the  Scottish  war  to  be  continued  till  that 
restless  and  courageous  people  were  subdued. 


136  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND, 

Edward  was  called  the  English  Justinian  ;  yet 
those  acts  for  which  he  is  most  famous  were  re- 
luctantly done  because  of  the  demands  made  by 
a  determined  people. 

During  his  reign  gunpowder  was  discovered  by 
Roger  Bacon,  whereby  Guy  Fawkes  was  made 
possible.  Without  him  England  would  still  be  a 
slumbering  fog-bank  upon  the  shores  of  Time. 

Young  Edward  was  not  much  of  a  monarch. 
He  forgot  to  fight  the  Scots,  and  soon  Robert 
Bruce  had  won  back  the  fortresses  taken  by  the 
English,  and  Edward  II.,  under  the  influence  of 
an  attractive  trifler  named  Gaveston,  dawdled 
away  his  days  and  frittered  away  his  nights. 
Finally  the  nobles,  who  disliked  Gaveston,  cap- 
tured him  and  put  him  in  Warwick  Castle,  and  in 
131 2  the  royal  favorite  was  horrified  to  find  near 
him  a  large  pool  of  blood,  and  on  a  further  search 
discovered  his  own  head  lying  in  the  gutter  of  the 
court.  Turning  sick  at  the  gory  sight,  he  buried 
his  face  in  his  handkerchief  and  expired. 

The  nobles  were  forgiven  afterwards  by  the 
king,  who  now  turned  his  attention  to  the  vic- 
torious Scots. 

Stirling  Castle  and  the  Fortress  of  Berwick 
alone  remained  to  the  English,  and  Robert  Bruce 
was  besieging  the  latter. 

The  English,  numbering  one  hundred  thousand, 
at  Bannockburn   fought  against  thirty  thousand 


FURTHER  DISAGREEMENTS  RECORDED.     1 37 


ROGER   BACON   DISCOVERS  GUNPOWDER. 


Scots.  Bruce  sur- 
prised the  cavalry 
with  deep  pits,  and 
before  the  English 
could  recover  from 
this,  an  approach- 
ing reinforcement  for  the  Scotch  was  seen  coming 
over  the  hill.  This  consisted  of  ''supes,*'  with 
banners  and  bagpipes ;  and  though  they  were 
really  teamsters  in  disguise,  their  hostile  appear- 
ance and  the  depressing  music  of  the  bagpipes 
so  shocked  the  English  that  they  did  not  stop 
running  until  they  reached  Berwick.  The  king 
came  around  to  Berwick  from  Dunbar  by  steamer, 
thus  saving  his  life,  and  obtaining  much-needed 
rest  on  board  the  boat.* 

^  Doubtless  this  is  an  error,  so  far  as  the  steamer  is  concerned ;  but  the 
statement  can  do  no  harm,  and  the  historian  cannot  be  positive  in  matters 
of  this  kind  at  all  times,  for  the  strain  upon  his  memory  is  too  great.  The 
critic,  too,  should  not  be  forgotten  in  a  work  of  this  kind.  He  must  do 
something  to  support  his  family,  or  he  will  become  disliked. — Author. 

12* 


138 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


Edward  found  himself  now  on  the  verge  of 
open  war  with  Ireland  and  Wales,  and  the  pop- 
ulation of  the  Isle  of  Wight  and  another  person, 
whose  name  is  not  given,  threatened  to  declare 
war.  The  English  nobles,  too,  were  insubordi- 
nate, and  the  king,  who  had  fallen  under  the 
influence  of  a  man  named  Spencer  and  his  father, 
was  required  by  the  best  society,  headed  by  Lan- 
caster, to  exile  both  of  these  wicked  advisers. 

Afterwards  the  king  attacked  Lancaster  with 
his  army,  and  having  captured  him,  had  him 
executed  in  1322. 


THE  UNFORTUNATE   KING   WAS  TREATED   WITH   REVOLTING  CRUELTY. 


FURTHER  DISAGREEMENTS  RECORDED.     139 

The  Spencers  now  returned,  and  the  queen 
began  to  cut  up  strangely  and  create  talk.  She 
formed  the  acquaintance  of  Roger  Mortimer,  who 
consented  to  act  as  her  paramour.  They  organ- 
ized a  scheme  to  throw  off  the  Spencers  and  de- 
throne Edward  the  Thinkless,   her  husband,   in 

Any  one  who  has  tried  to  be  king  even  for  a 
few  weeks  under  the  above  circumstances  must 
agree  with  the  historian  that  it  is  no  moonlight 
frolic. 

Edward  fled  to  Wales,  but  in  1326  was  re- 
quested to  come  home  and  remain  in  jail  there, 
instead  of  causing  a  scandal  by  staying  away  and 
spending  his  money  in  Wales.  He  was  confined 
in  Kenilworth  Castle,  while  his  son  was  ostensibly 
king,  though  his  wife  and  Mortimer  really  man- 
aged the  kingdom  and  behaved  in  a  scandalous 
way,  Mortimer  wearing  the  king's  clothes,  shav- 
ing with  his  razor,  and  winding  the  clock  every 
night  as  though  he  owned  the  place '^  This  was 
in  1327. 

In  September  the  poor  king  was  put  to  death 
by  co-respondent  Mortimer  in  a  painful  and  sick- 
ening manner,  after  having  been  most  inhumanly 


*The  clock  may  safely  be  omitted  from  the  above  account,  as  later 
information  would  indicate  that  this  may  be  an  error,  though  there  is  no 
doubt  that  Mortimer  at  this  time  wore  out  two  suits  of  the  king's  pajamas. 
— Author, 


140 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


treated  in  Berkeley  Castle,  whither  he  had  been 
removed. 

Thus  ends  the  sad  history  of  a  monarch  who 
might  have  succeeded  in  a  minor  position  on  a 
hen  farm,  but  who  made  a  beastly  fluke  in  the 
king  business. 

The  assurance  of  Mortimer  in  treating  the  king 
as  he  did  is  a  blot  upon  the  fair  page  of  history  in 
high  life.     Let  us  turn  over  a  new  leaf 


ON   A    HBN   FARM. 


CHAPTER    XIV. 

IRRITABILITY  OF  THE  FRENCH  :  INTERMINABLE  DIS- 
SENSION, ASSISTED  BY  THE  PLAGUE,  CONTINUES 
REDUCING   THE    POPULATION. 

IT  is  a  little  odd,  but  it  is  true,  that  Edward  III. 
was  crowned  at  fourteen  and  married  at  fif- 
teen years  of  age.  Princes  in  those  days 
were  affianced  as  soon  as  they  were  weighed,  and 
married  before  they  got  their  eyes  open,  though 
even  yet  there  are  many  people  who  do  not  get 
their  eyes  opened  until  after  marriage.  Edward 
married  Philippa,  daughter  of  the  Count  of 
Hainault,  to  whom  he  had  been  engaged  while 
teething. 

In  1328  Mortimer  mixed  up  matters  with  the 
Scots,  by  which  he  relinquished  his  claim  to  Scotch 
homage.  Being  still  the  gentleman  friend  of 
Isabella,  the  regent,  he  had  great  influence.  He 
assumed,  on  the  ratification  of  the  above  treaty 
by  Parliament,  the  title  of  Earl  of  March. 

The  young  prince  rose  to  the  occasion,  and 

directed  several  of  his  nobles  to  forcibly  drag  the 

Earl  of  March  from  the  apartments  of  the  guilty 

pair,  and  in  1330  he  became  the  Earl  of  Double- 

141 


s^ 


IRRITABILITY  OF  THE  FRENCH.  143  _ 

Quick  March — a  sort  of  forced  March — towards 
the  gibbet,  where  he  was  last  seen  trying  to  stand 
on  the  English  climate.  The  queen  was  kept  in 
close  confinement  during  the  rest  of  her  life,  and 
the  morning  papers  of  that  time  contained  nothing 
of  a  social  nature  regarding  her  doings. 

The  Scots,  under  David  Bruce,  were  defeated 
at  Halidon  Hill  in  1333,  and  Bruce  fled  to  France. 
Thus  again  under  a  vassal  of  the  English  king, 
Edward  Baliol  by  name,  the  Scotch  crooked  the 
reluctant  hinges  of  the  knee. 

Edward  now  claimed  to  be  a  more  direct  heir 
through  Queen  Isabella  than  Philip,  the  cousin  of 
Charles  IV.,  who  occupied  the  throne,  so  he  pro- 
ceeded to  vindicate  himself  against  King  Philip 
in  the  usual  way.  He  destroyed  the  French  fleet 
in  1340,  defeated  Philip,  though  with  inferior  num- 
bers, at  Crecy,  and  demonstrated  for  the  first  time 
that  cannon  could  be  used  with  injurious  results 
on  the  enemy. 

In  1346  the  Black  Prince,  as  Edward  was 
called,  on  account  of  the  color  of  the  Russia 
iron  used  in  making  his  mackintosh,  may  be  said 
to  have  commenced  his  brilliant  military  career. 
He  captured  Calais, — the  key  to  France, — and 
made  it  a  flourishing  English  city  and  a  market 
for  wool,  leather,  tin,  and  lead.  It  so  continued 
for  two  hundred  years. 

The   Scotch  considered   this  a   good   time  to 


144  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND, 

regain  their  independence,  and  David  Bruce  took 
charge  of  the  enterprise,  but  was  defeated  at 
Neville's  Cross,  in  1346,  and  taken  prisoner. 

Philippa  here  distinguished  herself  during  the  ab- 
sence of  the  king,  by  encouraging  the  troops  and 


BDWARD    DEMONSTRATED    AT  THE   BATTLE   OF    CKECY    THAT    CANNON   COULD    BE 
USED    WITH    VIGOROUS    RESULTS. 

making  a  telling  equestrian  speech  to  them  before 
the  battle.  After  the  capture  of  Bruce,  too,  she 
repaired  to  Calais,  where  she  prevented  the  king's 
disgraceful  execution  of  six  respectable  citizens 
who  had  been  sent  to  surrender  the  city. 

During    a    truce    between    the    English    and 
French,  England  was  visited  by  the  Black  Death, 


146 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


a  plague  that  came  from  Asia  and  bade  fail  to 
depopulate  the  country.  London  lost  fifty  thou- 
sand people,  and  at  times  there  were  hardly 
enough  people  left  to  bury  the  dead  or  till  the 
fields.  This  contagion  occurred  in  1349,  and 
even  attacked  the  domestic  animals. 


NO   MONARCH   OF   SPIRIT   CARES  TO   HAVE   HIS  THRONE   PULLED   FROM   UNDER 
HIM  JUST  AS   HB   IS  ABOUT  TO   OCCUPY   IT. 

John  having  succeeded  Philip  in  France,  in 
1350  Edward  made  another  effort  to  recover  the 
French  throne  ;  but  no  monarch  of  spirit  cares  to 
have  his  throne  pulled  from  beneath  him  just  as 
he  is  about  to  occupy  it,  and  so,  when  the  Black 
Prince  began  to  burn  and  plunder  southern 
France,  his  father  made  a  similar  excursion  from 
Calais,  in  1355. 


IRRITABILITY  OF  THE  FRENCH.  \\f 

The  next  year  the  Black  Prince  sent  twelve 
thousand  men  into  the  heart  of  France,  where 
they  met  an  army  of  sixty  thousand,  and  the 
English  general  offered  all  his  conquests  cheer- 
fully to  John  for  the  privilege  of  returning  to 
England  ;  but  John  overstepped  himself  by  de- 
manding an  unconditional  surrender,  and  a  battle 
followed  in  which  the  French  were  whipped  out 
of  their  boots  and  the  king  captured.  We  should 
learn  from  this  to  know  when  we  have  enough. 

This  battle  was  memorable  because  the  English 
loss  was  mostly  confined  to  the  common  soldiery, 
while  among  the  French  it  was  peculiarly  fatal  to 
the  nobility.  Two  dukes,  nineteen  counts,  five 
thousand  men-at-arms,  and  eight  thousand  infantry 
were  killed,  and  a  bobtail  flush  royal  was  found  to 
have  been  bagged  as  prisoners. 

For  four  years  John  was  a  prisoner,  but  well 
treated.  He  was  then  allowed  to  resume  his 
renovated  throne  ;  but  failing  to  keep  good  his 
promises  to  the  English,  he  came  back  to  London 
by  request,  and  died  there  in  1364. 

The  war  continued  under  Charles,  the  new 
French  monarch ;  and  though  Edward  was  an 
able  and  courteous  foe,  in  1370  he  became  so 
irritated  because  of  the  revolt  of  Limoges,  not- 
withstanding his  former  kindness  to  its  people, 
that  he  caused  three  thousand  of  her  citizens  to 
be  put  to  the  sword. 


143 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


The  Black  Prince  fought  no  more,  but  after  six 
years  of  illness  died,  in  1376,  with  a  good  record 
for  courage  and  statecraft.  His  father,  the  king, 
survived  him  only  a  year,  expiring  in  the  sixty- 
fifth  year  of  his  age,  1377. 

English  literature  was  encouraged  during  his 
reign,  and  John  Wickliffe,  Gower,  Chaucer,  and 
other  men  whose  genius  greatly  outstripped  their 
orthography  were  seen  to  flourish  some. 


A  STRIKING  ILLUSTRATION  OP  WAT  TYLBR'S  CONTROVERSY  WITH  THB  TAX   RBCBIVBR. 


IRRITABILITY  OF  THE  FRENCH.  149 

Edward  III.  was  succeeded  by  his  grandson, 
Richard,  and  war  with  France  was  maintained, 
though  Charles  the  Wise  held  his  own,  with  the 
aid  of  the  Scotch  under  Robert  II.,  the  first  of  the 
Stuarts. 

A  heavy  war-tax  was  levied  per  capita  at  the 
rate  of  three  groats  on  male  and  female  above 
the  age  of  fifteen,  and  those  who  know  the  value 
of  a  groat  will  admit  that  it  was  too  much.  A 
damsel  named  Tyler,  daughter  of  Wat  the  Tyler, 
was  so  badly  treated  by  the  assessor  that  her 
father  struck  the  offtcer  dead  with  his  hammer,  in 
1 38 1,  and  placed  himself  at  the  head  of  a  revolt, 
numbering  one  hundred  thousand  people,  who 
collected  on  Blackheath.  Jack  Straw  and  Rev. 
John  Ball  also  aided  in  the  convention.  The  lat- 
ter objected  to  the  gentlemen  on  general  prin- 
ciples, claiming  that  Adam  was  no  gentleman, 
and  that  Eve  had  still  less  claim  in  that  direction.* 

In  this  outbreak,  and  during  the  same  year,  the 
rebels  broke  into  the  city  of  London,  burned  the 
palaces,  plundered  the  warehouses,  and  killed 
off  the  gentlemen  wherever  an  alibi  could  not  be 

*Rev.  John  Ball  chose  as  a  war-cry  and  transparency  these  words  : 

"  When  Adam  delved  and  Eve  span, 
Where  was  then  the  gentleman  ?" 

Those  who  have  tried  it  in  modern  times  say  that  to  be  a  gentleman  is 
no  sinecure,  and  the  well-bred  author  falls  in  with  this  sentiment,  though 
still  regarding  it  as  a  great  boon. — Historian. 

13* 


ISO  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 

established,  winding  up  with  the  murder  of  the 
Archbishop  of  Canterbury. 

During  a  conference  with  Tyler,  the  king  was  so 
rudely  addressed  by  Wat,  that  Walworth,  mayor 
of  London,  struck  the  rebel  with  his  sword,  and 
others  despatched  him  before  he  knew  exactly 
Wat  was  Wat. 

Richard,  to  quiet  this  storm,  acceded  to  the 
rebel  demands  until  he  could  get  his  forces  to- 
gether, when  he  ignored  his  promises  in  a  right 
royal  manner  in  the  same  year.  One  of  these 
concessions  was  the  abolition  of  slavery  and  the 
novel  use  of  wages  for  farm  work.  By  his  fail- 
ure to  keep  this  promise,  serfdom  continued  in 
England  four  hundred  years  afterwards. 

Richard  now  became  unpopular,  and  showed 
signs  of  worthlessness.  He  banished  his  cousin 
Henry,  and  dispossessed  him  of  his  estates.  This, 
of  course,  irritated  Henry,  who  entered  England 
while  the  king  ^vas  in  Ireland,  and  his  forces  were 
soon  joined  by  sixty  thousand  malecontents. 

Poor  Richard  wandered  away  to  Wales,  where 
he  was  in  constant  danger  of  falling  off,  and  after 
living  on  chestnuts  knocked  from  the  high  trees 
by  means  of  his  sceptre,  he  returned  disgusted 
and  took  up  his  quarters  in  the  Tower,  where  he 
died  of  starvation  in  1400. 

Nothing  can  be  more  pathetic  than  the  picture 
of  a  king  crying  for  bread,  yet  willing  to  com- 


IRRITABILITY  OF  THE  FRENCH. 


151 


promise  on  tarts.  A  friendless  king  sitting  on 
the  hard  stone  floor  of  the  Tower,  after  years 
spent  on  board  of  an  glastic  throne  with  rockers 


A   FRIENDLESS   KING   SITTING   ON   THE   HARD   STONE   FLOOR   OF   THE  TOWER. 


under  it,  would  move  even  the  hardened  historian 
to  tears.  (A  brief  intermission  is  here  offered 
for  unavailing  tears.) 


CHAPTER    XV. 

MORE  SANGUINARY  TRIUMPHS  :  ONWARD  MARCH  OF 
CIVILIZATION  GRAPHICALLY  DELINEATED  WITH 
THE    historian's   USUAL   COMPLETENESS. 

THE  Plantagenet  period  saw  the  establishment 
of  the  House  of  Commons,  and  cut  off  the 
power  of  the  king  to  levy  taxes  without  the 
consent  of  Parliament.  It  also  exchanged  the  ju- 
dicial rough-and-tumble  on  horseback  for  the  trial 
by  jury.  Serfdom  continued,  and  a  good  horse 
would  bring  more  in  market  than  a  man. 

Agriculture  was  still  in  its  infancy,  and  the 
farmer  refused  to  adopt  a  new  and  attractive 
plough  because  it  did  not  permit  the  ploughman 
to  walk  near  enough  to  his  team,  that  he  might 
twist  the  tail  of  the  patient  bullock. 

The  costumes  of  the  period  seem  odd,  as  we 
look  back  upon  them,  for  the  men  wore  pointed 
shoes  with  toes  tied  to  the  girdle,  and  trousers 
and  coat  each  of  different  colors  :  for  instance, 
sometimes  one  sleeve  was  black  and  the  other 
white,  while  the  ladies  wore  tall  hats,  sometimes 
two  feet  high,  and  long  trains.  They  also  carried 
two  swords  in  the  girdle,  doubtless  to  protect 
them  from  the  nobility. 
152 


154 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


Each  house  of  any  size  had  a  '^pleasance,"  and 
the  **herberie,"  or  physic  garden,  which  was  the 


ASTROLOGY  WAS  THB   FAVORITE   STUDY   OF  THOSE  TIMES. 


pioneer  of  the  pie-plant  bed,  was  connected  with 
the  monasteries. 

Roger  Bacon  was  thrown  into  prison  for  having 
too  good  an  education.  Scientists  in  those  days 
always  ran  the  risk  of  being  surprised,  and  more 


MORE  SANGUINARY  TRIUMPHS. 


155 


than  one  discoverer  wound  up  by  discovering 
himself  in  jail. 

Astrology  was  a  favorite  amusement,  especially 
among  the  young  people. 

Henry  IV.,  son  of  John  of  Gaunt,  fourth  son  of 
Edward  III.,  became  king  in  1399,  though  Edmund 
Mortimer,  Earl  of  March,  and  great-grandson  of 
Lionel,  the  third  son  of  Edward  III.,  was  the 
rightful  heir.  This  boy  was  detained  in  Windsor 
Castle  by  Henry's  orders. 

Henry  succeeded  in  catching  a  heretic,  in  1401, 


-Ol 


and  burned 
him  at  the 
stake.  This 
was   the  first 


HENRY   PROTECTS   THE   CHURCH    FROM    HERESY. 


156  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 

person  put  to  death  in  England  for  his  religious 
belief,  and  the  occasion  was  the  origin  of  the 
epitaph,  *' Well  done,  good  and  faithful  servant." 

Conspiracies  were  quite  common  in  those  days, 
one  of  them  being  organized  by  Harry  Percy, 
called  "  Hotspur"  because  of  his  irritability.  The 
ballad  of  Chevy  Chase  was  founded  upon  his 
exploits  at  the  battle  of  Otterburn,  in  1388.  The 
Percys  favored  Mortimer,  and  so  united  with  the 
Welsh  and  Scots. 

A  large  fight  occurred  at  Shrewsbury  in  1403. 
The  rebels  were  defeated  and  Percy  slain.  North- 
umberland was  pardoned,  and  tried  it  again,  as- 
sisted by  the  Archbishop  of  York,  two  years  later. 
The  archbishop  was  executed  in  1405.  Northum- 
berland made  another  effort,  but  was  defeated  and 
slain. 

In  141 3  Henry  died,  leaving  behind  him  the 
record  of  a  fraudulent  sovereign  who  was  parsi- 
monious, sour,  and  superstitious,  without  virtue 
or  religion. 

He  was  succeeded  by  his  successor,  which  was 
customary  at  that  time.  Henry  V.  was  his  son, 
a  youth  who  was  wild  and  reckless.  He  had  been 
in  jail  for  insulting  the  chief-justice,  as  a  result  of 
a  drunken  frolic  and  fine.  He  was  real  wild  and 
bad,  and  had  no  more  respect  for  his  ancestry 
than  a  chicken  born  in  an  incubator.  Yet  he 
reformed  on  taking  the  throne. 


158  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 

Henry  now  went  over  to  France  with  a  view  to 
securing  the  throne,  but  did  not  get  it,  as  it  was 
occupied  at  the  time.  So  he  returned  ;  but  at 
Agincourt  was  surprised  by  the  French  army,  four 
times  as  large  as  his  own,  and  with  a  loss  of  forty 
only,  he  slew  ten  thousand  of  the  French  and  cap- 
tured fourteen  thousand.  What  the  French  were 
doing  while  this  slaughter  was  going  on  the  mod- 
ern historian  has  great  difficulty  in  figuring  out. 
This  battle  occurred  in  141 5,  and  two  years  after 
Henry  returned  to  France,  hoping  to  do  equally 
well.  He  made  a  treaty  at  Troyes  with  the  cele- 
brated idiot  Charles  VI.,  and  promised  to  marry 
his  daughter  Catherine,  who  was  to  succeed 
Charles  upon  his  death,  and  try  to  do  better. 
Henry  became  Regent  of  France  by  this  ruse,  but 
died  in  1422,  and  left  his  son  Henry,  less  than 
a  year  old.  The  king's  death  was  a  sad  blow  to 
England,  for  he  was  an  improvement  on  the  gen- 
eral run  of  kings.  Henry  V.  left  a  brother,  the 
Duke  of  Bedford,  who  became  Protector  and 
Regent  of  France  ;  but  when  Charles  the  Imbecile 
died,  his  son,  Charles  VII.,  rose  to  the  occasion, 
and  a  war  of  some  years  began.  After  some 
time,  Bedford  invaded  southern  France  and  be- 
sieged Orleans. 

Joan  of  Arc  had  been  told  of  a  prophecy  to  the 
effect  that  France  could  only  be  delivered  from 
the  English  by  a  virgin,  and  so  she,  though  only 


l6o  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 

a  peasant  girl,  yet  full  of  a  strange,  eager  heroism 
which  was  almost  inspiration,  applied  to  the  king 
for  a  commission. 

Inspired  by  her  perfect  faith  and  godlike  hero- 
ism, the  French  fought  like  tigers,  and,  in  1429, 
the  besiegers  went  home.  She  induced  the  king 
to  be  crowned  in  due  form  at  Rheims,  and  asked 
for  an  honorable  discharge  ;  but  she  was  detained, 
and  the  English,,  who  afterwards  captured  her, 
burned  her  to  death  at  Rouen,  in  1431,  on  the 
charge  of  sorcery.  Those  who  did  this  after- 
wards regretted  it  and  felt  mortified.  Her  death 
did  the  invaders  no  good  ;  but  above  her  ashes, 
and  moistened  by  her  tears, — if  such  a  feat  were 
possible, — liberty  arose  once  more,  and,  in  1437, 
Charles  was  permitted  to  enter  Paris  and  enjoy 
the  town  for  the  first  time  in  twenty  years.  In 
1444  a  truce  of  six  years  was  established. 

Henry  was  a  disappointment,  and,  as  Bedford 
was  dead,  the  Duke  of  Gloucester,  the  king's 
uncle,  and  Cardinal  Beaufort,  his  guardian,  had, 
up  to  his  majority,  been  the  powers  behind  the 
throne. 

Henry  married  Margaret  of  Anjou,  a  very 
beautiful  and  able  lady,  who  possessed  the  qual- 
ities so  lacking  in  the  king.  They  were  married 
in  1445,  and,  if  living,  this  would  be  the  four 
hundred  and  fifty-first  anniversary  of  their  wed- 
ding.    It  is,  anyway.     (1896.) 


MORE  SANGUINARY  TRIUMPHS. 


l6l 


The  provinces  of  Maine  and  Anjou  were  given 
by  the  king  in  return  for  Margaret.  Henry  con- 
tinued to  show  more  and   more  signs  of  fatty 


JOAN  OP  ARC  INDUCES   THE   KING  TO   BBLIEVB  THB  TRUTH   OP   HBR   MISSION. 

degeneration  of  the  cerebrator,  and  Gloucester, 

who  had  opposed  the  marriage,  was  found  dead 

in  his  prison  bed,  whither  he  had  been  sent  at 

Margaret's   request.     The   Duke   of    York,   the 

queen's  favorite,   succeeded  him,  and  Somerset, 
/  14* 


1 62 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


another  favorite,  succeeded  York.  In  1451  it 
was  found  that  the  English  had  lost  all  their 
French  possessions  except  Calais. 

Things  went  from  bad  to  worse,  and,  in   1450, 
Jack  Cade  headed  an  outbreak  ;  but  he  was  slain, 


T 


^ 


OFFICE 

wanted' 

100.00  0 

/16LE  BODIED 

MEN 
FOR  THE  ARMY] 

APPLYWJTHIN 
COME  EAPiV  AMD 
AVOIDTHLRUSH. 


RICHARD  AND   HIS  ADHERENTS   RAISING  AN  ARMY   FOR  THE  REDRESS  OF  GRIEVANCES. 


and  the  king  showing  renewed  signs  of  intellect- 
ual fag,  Richard,  Duke  of  York,  was  talked  of  as 
the  people's  choice  on  account  of  his  descent 
from  Edward  III.  He  was  for  a  few  days  Pro- 
tector, but  the  queen  was  too  strongly  opposed 
to  him,  and  he  resigned. 

He  then  raised  an  army,  and  in  a  battle  at  St. 


MORE  SANGUINARY   TRIUMPHS. 


163 


Albans,  in  1455,  defeated  the  royalists,  capturing 
the  king.  This  was  the  opening  of  the  War  of 
the  Roses, — so  called  because  as  badges  the 
Lancastrians  wore  a  red  rose  and  the  Yorkists  a 
white  rose.     This  war  lasted  over  thirty  years. 


BY   REQUEST   OF   MARGARET,  HIS   HEAD   WAS   REMOVED    FROM    HIS   BODY  TO  THE  GATES  OF  YORK. 


l64  HISTOR  V  OF  ENGLAND. 

and  killed  off  the  nobility  like  sheep.  They  were, 
it  is  said,  virtually  annihilated,  and  thus  a  better 
class  of  nobility  was  substituted. 

The  king  was  restored  ;  but  in  1 460  there  oc- 
curred the  battle  of  Northampton,  in  which  he 
was  defeated  and  again  taken  prisoner  by  the 
Earl  of  Warwick. 

Margaret  was  a  woman  of  great  spirit,  and 
when  the  Duke  of  York  was  given  the  throne 
she  went  to  Scotland,  and  in  the  battle  of  Wake- 
field her  army  defeated  and  captured  the  duke. 
At  her  request  he  was  beheaded,  and  his  head, 
ornamented  with  a  paper  crown,  placed  on  the 
gates  of  York,  as  shown  in  the  rather  life-like — or 
death-like — etching  on  the  preceding  page. 

The  queen  was  for  a  time  successful,  and  her 
army  earned  a  slight  reputation  for  cruelty  also  ; 
but  Edward,  son  of  the  late  Duke  of  York,  em- 
bittered somewhat  by  the  flippant  death  of  his 
father,  was  soon  victorious  over  the  Lancastrians, 
and,  in  1461,  was  crowned  King  of  England  at  a 
good  salary,  with  the  use  of  a  large  palace  and  a 
good  well  of  water  and  barn. 


CHAPTER    XVI. 

UNPLEASANT  CAPRICES  OF  ROYALTY  :  INTRODUCTION 
OF  PRINTING  AS  A  SUBSIDIARY  AID  IN  THE 
PROGRESS   OF    EMANCIPATION. 

HENRY  VI.  left  no  royal  record  worth  remem- 
bering  save  the  establishment  of  Eton  and 
King's  Colleges.  Edward  IV.,  who  began 
his  reign  in  1461,  was  bold  and  active.  Queen 
Margaret's  army  of  sixty  thousand  men  which 
attacked  him  was  defeated  and  half  her  forces 
slaughtered,  no  quarter  being  given. 

His  title  was  now  confirmed,  and  Margaret  fled 
to  Scotland.  Three  years  later  she  attempted 
again  to  secure  the  throne  through  the  aid  of 
Louis  XI.,  but  failed.  Henry,  who  had  been  in 
concealment,  was  now  confined  in  the  Tower,  as 
shown  in  the  engraving  on  the  following  page. 

Edward's  marriage  was  not  satisfactory,  and, 
as  he  bestowed  all  the  offices  on  his  wife's  rela- 
tives, Warwick  deserted  him  and  espoused  the 
cause  of  Queen  Margaret. 

He  had  no  trouble  in  raising  an  army  and  com- 
pelling Edward  to  flee.  Henry  was  taken  from 
the  Tower  and  crowned,  his  rights  having  been 

16S 


i66 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


recognized  by  Parliament. 
Warwick  and  his  son-in- 
law,  the  Duke  of  Clarence, 
brother  to  Edward  IV., 
were  made  regents,  there- 
fore, in  1 47 1.  Before  the 
year  was  out,  how- 
fr^  ever,  the  tables  were 
again  turned,  and 
Henry  found  himself 
once  more  in  his  old 
quarters  in  theTower. 
Warwick  was  soon 
defeated  and  slain, 
and  on  the  same  day 
Margaret  and  her  son 
1  ^S^S!  Edward  landed  in  England.  She 
^  YS  *  ^  and  Edward  were  defeated  and 
J  ^'  taken  prisoners  at  Tewkesbury,  and 
the  young  prince  cruelly  put  to  death 
by  the  Dukes  of  Clarence  and  Gloucester^ 
brothers  of  Edward  IV.  Margaret  was 
placed  in  the  Tower,  and  a  day  or  two  after 
Henry  died  mysteriously  there,  it 
is  presumed  at  the  hands  of  Glou- 
cester, who  was  socially  an  unpleasant  man  to 
meet  after  dark. 

Margaret   died   in    France,   in    1482,   and   the 
Lancastrians  gave  up  all  hope.     Edward,  feeling 


HBNRY   VI.  IMPRESSED   IN 
THE   TOWER. 


UNPLEASANT  CAPRICES  OF  ROYALTY.       167 

again  secure,  at  the  instigation  of  his  younger 
brother,  Richard,  Duke  of  Gloucester,  caused 
Clarence,  the  other  brother,  to  be  put  to  death, 
and  then  began  to  give  his  entire  attention  to 
vice,  never  allowing  his  reign  to  get  into  his  rum 
or  interfere  with  it. 

He  was  a  very  handsome  man,  but  died,  in 
1483,  of  what  the  historian  calls  a  distemper. 
Some  say  he  died  of  heart-failure  while  sleeping 
off  an  attack  of  coma.  Anyway,  he  turned  up 
his  comatose,  as  one  might  say,  and  passed  on 
from  a  spirituous  life  to  a  spiritual  one,  such  as  it 
may  be.     He  was  a  counterfeit  sovereign. 

In  1474  the  first  book  was  printed  in  England, 
and  more  attention  was  then  paid  to  spelling. 
William  Caxton  printed  this  book, — a  work  on 
chess.  The  form  of  the  types  came  from  Ger- 
many, and  was  used  till  James  I.  introduced  the 
Roman  type.  James  I.  took  a  great  interest  in 
plain  and  ornamental  job  printing,  and  while  try- 
ing to  pick  a  calling  card  out  of  the  jaws  of  a 
crude  job-press  in  the  early  years  of  his  reign, 
contributed  a  royal  thumb  to  this  restless  emblem 
of  progress  and  civilization.      (See  next  page.) 

The  War  of  the  Roses  having  destroyed  the 
nobility,  times  greatly  improved,  and  Industry  was 
declared  constitutional. 

Edward  V.  at  twelve  years  of  age  became  king, 
and  his  uncle  Dick,  Duke  of  Gloucester,  became 


UNPLEASANT  CAPRICES  OF  ROYALTY.      1 69 

Protector.  As  such  he  was  a  disgrace,  for  he 
protected  nobody  but  himself.  The  young  king 
and  his  brother,  the  Duke  of  York,  were  placed 
in  the  Tower,  and  their  uncle,  Lord  Hastings,  and 
several  other  offensive  partisans,  on  the  charge  of 
treason,  were  executed  in  1483.  He  then  made 
arrangements  that  he  should  be  urged  to  accept 
the  throne,  and  with  a  coy  and  reluctant  grace 
peculiar  to  this  gifted  assassin,  he  caused  himself 
to  be  proclaimed  Richard  III. 

Richard  then  caused  the  young  princes  to  be 
smothered  in  their  beds,  in  what  is  now  called  the 
Bloody  Tower.  The  Duke  of  Buckingham  was 
at  first  loaded  with  honors  in  return  for  his  gory 
assistance  ;  but  even  he  became  disgusted  with 
the  wicked  usurper,  and  headed  a  Welsh  rebel- 
lion. He  was  not  successful,  and,  in 
1483,  he  received  a  slight  testimonial 
from  the  king,  as  portrayed  by  the 
gifted  artist  of  this  work.  The  sur- 
prise and  sorrow  shown  on  the  face 
of  the  duke,  together 
with  his  thrift  and 
economy  in  keeping 
his  cigar  from  being 
spattered,  and  his 
determination  that, 
although  he  might 
be  put  out,  the  cigar 

H  15 


I/O 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


should  not  be,  prove  him  to  have  been  a  man  of 
great  force  of  character  for  a  duke. 

Richard  now  espoused  his  niece,  daughter  of 
Edward  IV.,  and  in  order  to  make  the  home 
nest  perfectly  free  from  social  erosion,  he  caused 


STONE   COFFIN  OF   RICHARD   III. 


his  consort,  Anne,  to  be  poisoned.  Those  who 
believed  the  climate  around  the  throne  to  be 
bracing  and  healthful  had  a  chance  to  change 
their  views  in  a  land  where  pea-soup  fog  can 
never  enter.  Anne  was  the  widow  of  Edward, 
whom  Richard  slew  at  Tewkesbury. 

Every  one  felt  that  Richard  was  a  disgrace  to 
the  country,  and  Henry,  Earl  of  Richmond,  sue- 


UNPLEASANT  CAPRICES  OF  ROYALTY.      I/I 

ceeded  in  defeating  and  slaying  the  usurper  on 
Bos  worth  Field,  in  1485,  when  Henry  was  crowned 
on  the  battle-field. 

Richard  was  buried  at  Leicester  ;  but  during  the 
reign  of  Henry  VIII. ,  when  the  monasteries  were 
destroyed,  Richard's  body  was  exhumed  and  his 
stone  coffin  used  for  many  years  in  that  town  as 
a  horse-trough. 

Shakespeare  and  the  historians  give  an  un- 
pleasant impression  regarding  Richard's  person- 
ality ;  but  this  was  done  in  the  interests  of  the 
Tudors,  perhaps.  He  was  highly  intelligent,  and 
if  he  had  given  less  attention  to  usurpation,  would 
have  been  more  popular. 

Under  the  administrations  of  the  houses  of 
Lancaster  and  York  serfdom  was  abolished,  as 
the  slaves  who  were  armed  during  the  War  of 
the  Roses  would  not  submit  again  to  slavery 
after  they  had  fought  for  their  country. 

Agriculture  suffered,  and  some  of  the  poor  had 
to  subsist  upon  acorns  and  wild  roots.  During 
those  days  Whittington  was  thrice  Lord  Mayor 
of  London,  though  at  first  only  a  poor  boy. 
Even  in  the  land  of  lineage  this  poor  lad,  with 
a  cat  and  no  other  means  of  subsistence,  won  his 
way  to  fame  and  fortune. 

The  manufacture  of  wool  encouraged  the  grow- 
ing of  sheep,  and,  in  1455,  silk  began  to  attract 
attention. 


i;2 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


During  his  reign  Richard  had  known  what  it 
was  to  need  money,  and  the  rich  merchants  and 
pawnbrokers  were  familiar  with  his  countenance 
when  he  came  after  office  hours  to  negotiate  a 
small  loan. 


RICHARD    HAS   A   CONFERENCE   WITH    THE   MONEY-LENDER. 


Science  spent  a  great  deal  of  surplus  energy 
experimenting  on  alchemy,  and  the  Philosopher's 
Stone,  as  well  as  the  Elixir  of  Life,  attracted  much 
attention  ;  but,  as  neither  of  these  commodities 


UNPLEASANT  CAPRICES  OF  ROYALTY.      173 

are  now  on  the  market,  it  is  presumed  that  they 
were  never  successful. 

Printing  may  be  regarded  as  the  most  valuable 
discovery  during  those  bloody  years,  showing 
that  Peace  hath  her  victories  no  less  than  War, 
and  from  this  art  came  the  most  powerful  and 
implacable  enemy  to  Ignorance  and  its  attendant 
crimes  that  Progress  can  call  its  own. 

No  two  authors  spelled  alike  at  that  time,  how- 
ever, and  the  literature  of  the  day  was  character- 
ized by  the  most  startling  originality  along  that 
line. 

The  drama  began  to  bud,  and  the  chief  roles 
were  taken  by  the  clergy.  They  acted  Bible 
scenes  interspersed  with  local  witticisms,  and 
often  turned  away  money. 

Afterwards  followed  what  were  called  Moral 
Plays,  in  which  the  bad  man  always  suffered 
intensely  on  a  small  salary. 

The  feudal  castles  disappeared,  and  new  and 
more  airy  architecture  succeeded  them.  A  better 
class  of  furniture  also  followed ;  but  it  was  very 
thinly  scattered  through  the  rooms,  and  a  person 
on  rising  from  his  bed  in  the  night  would  have 
some  difficulty  in  falling  over  anything.  Tidies 
on  the  chairs  were  unknown,  and  there  was  only 
tapestry  enough  to  get  along  with  in  a  sort  of 
hand-to-mouth  way. 


15* 


CHAPTER    XVIL 


BIOGRAPHY  OF  RICHARD  III.  I  BEING  AN  ALLEGORICAL 
PANEGYRIC  OF  THE  INCONTROVERTIBLE  MACHI- 
NATIONS  OF    AN    EGOTISTICAL   USURPER. 


E  will  now  write  out  a  few 

personal   recollections  of 

Richard    III.      This   great 

monarch,   of    whom    so   much 

has  been  said  pro  and  con, — 

but  mostly  con, — was  born  at 

Fotheringhay  Castle,  October 

2,  1452,  in  the  presence  of  his 

parents  and  a  physician  whose 

name  has  at  this  moment  escaped 

the    treacherous    memory    of    the 

historian. 

Richard  was  the  son  of  Richard, 
Duke  of  York,  and  Cecily  Neville,  daughter  of 
the  Earl  of  Westmoreland,  his  father  being  the 
legitimate  heir  to  the  throne  by  descent  in  the 
female  line,  so  he  was  the  head  of  the  Yorkists  in 
the  War  of  the  Roses. 

Richard's    father,    the    Duke   of    York,    while 
struggling   one   day  with   Henry  VI.,   the  royal 
174 


RICHARD   III. 


BIOGRAPHY  OF  RICHARD  III  1 75 

jackass  that  flourished  in  1460,  prior  to  the  con- 
quest of  the  Fool-Killer,  had  the  misfortune,  while 
trying  to  wrest  the  throne  from  Henry,  to  get 
himself  amputated  at  the  second  joint.  He  was 
brought  home  in  two  pieces,  and  ceased  to  draw 
a  salary  as  a  duke  from  that  on.  This  cast  a 
gloom  over  Richard,  and  inspired  in  his  breast  a 
strong  desire  to  cut  off  the  heads  of  a  few  casual 
acquaintances. 

He  was  but  eight  years  of  age  at  this  time, 
and  was  taken  prisoner  and  sent  to  Utrecht, 
Holland.  He  was  returned  in  good  order  the 
following  year.  His  elder  brother  Edward  hav- 
ing become  king,  under  the  title  of  Edward  IV., 
Richard  was  then  made  Duke  of  Gloucester, 
Lord  High  Admiral,  Knight  of  the  Garter,  and 
Earl  of  Balmoral. 

It  was  at  this  time  that  he  made  the  celebrated 
bon-mot  relative  to  dogs  as  pets. 

Having  been  out  the  evening  before  attending 
a  watermelon  recital  in  the  country,  and  having 
contributed  a  portion  of  his  clothing  to  a  barbed- 
wire  fence  and  the  balance  to  an  open-faced 
Waterbury  bull-dog,  some  one  asked  him  what  he 
thought  of  the  dog  as  a  pet. 

Richard  drew  himself  up  to  his  full  height,  and 
said  that,  as  a  rule,  he  favored  the  dog  as  a  pet, 
but  that  the  man  who  got  too  intimate  with  the 
common    low-browed    bull-dog    of    the    lEifteenth 


1/6 


HISTOR  V  OF  ENGLAND. 


century  would  find  that  it 
must  certainly  hurt 
him  in  the  end. 

He  resided  for 
several  years  under 
the  tutelage  of  the 
Earl  of  Warwick,  who 
was  called  the  ''King- 
maker," and  after- 
wards, in  1470,  fled 
to  Flanders,  remain- 
ing fled  for  some 
time.  He  c o m- 
manded  the  van  of 
the  Yorkist  army  at 
the  battle  of  Barnet,  April  14,  1471,  and  Tewkes- 
bury, May  4,  fighting  gallantly  at  both  places  on 
both  sides,  it  is  said,  and  admitting  it  in  an  article 
which  he  wrote  for  an  English  magazine. 

He  has  been  accused  of  having  murdered 
Prinpe  Edward  after  the  battle,  and  also  his  father, 
Henry  VI.,  in  the  Tower  a  few  days  later,  but  it 
is  not  known  to  be  a  fact. 

Richard  was  attainted  and  outlawed  by  Parlia- 
ment at  one  time  ;  but  he  was  careful  about  what 
he  ate,  and  didn't  get  his  feet  wet,  so,  at  last, 
having  a  good  preamble  and  constitution,  he 
pulled  through. 

He  married  his  own  cousin,  Anne  Neville,  who 


THE  MAN  WHO   GOT  TOO   INTIMATE   WITH   THE  COMMON 
LOW-BROWED   BULL-DOG. 


BIOGRAPHY  OF  RICHARD  III 


177 


made  a  first-rate  queen.  She  got  so  that  it  was 
no  trouble  at  all  for  her  to  reign  while  Dick  was 
away  attending  to  his  large  slaughtering  interests. 

Richard  at  this  time  was  made  Lord  High  Con- 
stable and  Keeper  of  the  Pound.  He  was  also 
Justiciary  of  North  Wales,  Seneschal  of  the 
Duchy  of  Lancaster,  and  Chief  of  Police  on  the 
North  Side. 

His  brother  Clarence  was  successfully  executed 
for  treason  in  February,  1478,  and  Richard,  with-' 
out  a  moment's  hesitation,  came  to  the  front  and 
inherited  the  estates. 

Richard  had  a  stormy  time  of  it  up  to  1481, 


RICHARD  HAD  A  STORMY  TIME. 


178  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 

when  he  was  made  "protector  and  defender  of 
the  realm"  early  in  May.  He  then  proceeded 
with  a  few  neglected  executions.  This  list  was 
headed — or  rather  beheaded — by  Lord  Chamber- 
lain Hastings,  who  tendered  his  resignation  in  a 
pail  of  saw-dust  soon  after  Richard  became  "pro- 
tector and  defender  of  the  realm."  Richard  laid 
claim  to  the  throne  in  June,  on  the  grounds  of 
the  illegitimacy  of  his  nephews,  and  was  crowned 
July  6.  So  was  his  queen.  They  sat  on  this 
throne  for  some  time,  and  each  had  a  sceptre  with 
which  to  welt  their  subjects  over  the  head  and 
keep  off  the  flies  in  summer.  Richard  could 
wield  a  sceptre  longer  and  harder,  it  is  said,  than 
any  other  middle-weight  monarch  known  to  his- 
tory. The  throne  used  by  Richard  is  still  in  exist- 
ence, and  has  an  aperture  in  it  containing  some 
very  old  gin. 

The  reason  this  gin  was  left,  it  is  said,  was  that 
he  was  suddenly  called  away  from  the  throne  and 
never  lived  to  get  back.  No  monarch  should 
ever  leave  his  throne  in  too  much  of  a  hurry. 

Richard  made  himself  very  unpopular  in  1485 
by  his  forced  loans,  as  they  were  called  :  a  system 
of  assessing  a  man  after  dark  with  a  self-cocking 
writ  and  what  was  known  as  the  headache-stick, 
a  small  weapon  which  was  worn  up  the  sleeve 
during  the  day,  and  which  was  worn  behind  the 
ear  by  the  loyal  subject  after  nightfall.     It  was  a 


BIOGRAPHY  OF  RICHARD  III. 


179 


common  sight,  so  says  the  historian,  to  hear  the 
nightfall  and  the  headache-stick  fall  at  the  same 
time. 


THEY    SAT   ON   THE   THRONE    FOR   SOME   TIME. 


The  queen  died  in  1485,  and  Richard  thought 
some  of  marrying  again  ;  but  it  got  into  the 
newspapers  because  he  thought  of  it  while  a 
correspondent  was  going  by,  who  heard  it  and 
telegraphed  his  paper  who  the  lady  was  and  all 


i8o 


HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 


about  it.  This  scared  Richard  out,  and  he 
changed  his  mind  about  marrying,  concluding, 
as  a  mild  substitute,  to  go  into  battle  at  Bosworth 
and  get  killed  all  at  once.  He  did  so  on  the  2  2d 
of  August. 


A   MILD   SUBSTITUTE   FOR   SECOND   MARRIAGE. 


After  his  death  it  was  found  that  he  had  rolled 
up  his  pantaloons  above  his  knees,  so  that  he 
would  not  get  gore  on  them.  This  custom  was 
afterwards  generally  adopted  in  England. 

He  was  buried  by  the  nuns  of  Leicester  in  their 
chapel,  Richmond  then  succeeding  him  as  king. 
He  was  buried  in  the  usual  manner,  and  a  large 
amount  of  obloquy  heaped  on  him. 


BIOGRAPHY  OF  RICHARD  III 


i8i 


That  is  one  advantage  of  being  great.  After 
one's  grave  is  filled  up,  one  can  have  a  large 
three-cornered  chunk  of  obloquy  put  on  the  top 
of  it  to  mark  the  spot  and  keep  medical  students 
away  of  nights. 

Greatness  certainly  has  its  drawbacks,  as  the 
Duchess  of  Bloomer  once  said  to  the  author,  after 
she  had  been  sitting  on  a  dry-goods  box  with  a 
nail  in  it,  and  had,  therefore,  called  forth  adverse 
criticism.  An  unknown  man  might  have  sat  on 
that  same  dry-goods  box  and  hung  on  the  same 
nail  till  he  was  black  in  the  face  without  causing 
remarks,  but  with  the  Duchess  of  Bloomer  it  was 
different, — oh,  so  different ! 


TOMB  OF  RICHARD  lit. 


i6 


CHAPTER    XVIII. 

DISORDER  STILL  THE  POPULAR  FAD  :  GENERAL  AD- 
MIXTURE OF  PRETENDERS,  RELIGION,  POLITICS, 
AND   DISGRUNTLED   MONARCHS. 

AS  a  result  of  the  Bos  worth  victory,  Henry 
^  Tudor  obtained  the  use  of  the  throne  from 
1485  to  1509.  He  saw  at  once  by  means 
of  an  eagle  eye  that  with  the  house  of  York  so 
popular  among  his  people,  nothing  but  a  firm 
hand  and  eternal  vigilance  could  maintain  his 
sovereignty.  He  kept  the  young  Earl  of  War- 
wick, son  of  the  Duke  of  Clarence,  carefully  in- 
doors with  massive  iron  gewgaws  attached  to  his 
legs,  thus  teaching  him  to  be  backward  about 
mingling  in  the  false  joys  of  society. 

Henry  Tudor  is  known  to  history  as  Henry  VII., 
and  caused  some  adverse  criticism  by  delaying 
his  nuptials  with  the  Princess  Elizabeth,  daughter 
of  Edward  IV. 

A  pleasing  practical  joke  at  this  time  came  near 

plunging  the  country  into  a  bloody  war.    A  rumor 

having  gone  forth  that  the  Earl  of  Warwick  had 

escaped  from  the  Tower,  a  priest  named  Simon 

instructed  a  good-looking  young  man-about-town 
182 


DISORDER  STILL   THE  POPULAR  FAD.       1 83 

named  Lambert  Simnel  to  play  the  part,  landed 
him  in  Ireland,  and  proceeded  to  call  for  troops. 
Strange  to  say,   in  those  days  almost  any  pre- 


SIMON,  A   PRIEST   OF   OXFORD,  TAKES   LAMBERT  THE   PRETENDER  TO   IRELAND. 

tender  with  courage  stood  a  good  chance  of  win- 
ning renown  or  a  hospitable  grave  in  this  way.  But 
Lambert  was  not  made  of  the  material  generally 
used  in  the  construction  of  great  men,  and,  though 
he  secured  quite  an  army,  and  the  aid  of  the  Earl 


1 84  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 

of  Lincoln  and  many  veteran  troops,  the  first  bat- 
tle closed  the  comedy,  and  the  bogus  sovereign, 
too  contemptible  even  to  occupy  the  valuable  time 
of  the  hangman,  became  a  scullion  in  the  royal 
kitchen,  while  Simon  was  imprisoned. 

For  five  years  things  were  again  dull,  but  at 
the  end  of  that  period  an  understudy  for  Richard, 
Duke  of  York,  arose  and  made  pretensions.  His 
name  was  Perkin  Warbeck,  and  though  the  son 
of  a  Flemish  merchant,  he  was  a  great  favorite  at 
social  functions  and  straw  rides.  He  went  to  Ire- 
land, where  anything  in  the  way  of  a  riot  was 
even  then  hailed  with  delight,  and  soon  the  York 
family  and  others  who  cursed  the  reigning  dynasty 
flocked  to  his  standard. 

France  endorsed  him  temporarily  until  Charles 
became  reconciled  to  Henry,  and  then  he  dropped 
Perkin  like  a  heated  potato.  Perk,  however,  had 
been  well  entertained  in  Paris  as  the  coming 
English  king,  and  while  there  was  not  permitted 
to  pay  for  a  thing.  He  now  visited  the  Duchess 
of  Burgundy,  sister  of  Edward  IV.,  and  made  a 
hit  at  once.  She  gave  him  the  title  of  The  White 
Rose  of  England  (1493),  and  he  was  pleased  to 
find  himself  so  popular  when  he  might  have 
been  measuring  molasses  in  the  obscurity  of  his 
father's  store. 

Henry  now  felt  quite  mortified  that  he  could 
not  produce  the  evidence  of  the  murder  of  the 


DISORDER  STILL    THE  POPULAR  FAD.      1 85 

two  sons  of  Edward  IV.,  so  as  to  settle  this  gay 
young  pretender  ;  but  he  did  not  succeed  in  find- 
ing the  remains,  though  they  were  afterwards  dis- 
covered under  the  staircase  of  the  White  Tower, 
and  buried  in  Westminster  Abbey,  where  the  floor 
is  now  paved  with  epitaphs,  and  where  economy 
and  grief  are  better  combined,  perhaps,  than  else- 
where in  the  world,  the  floor  and  tombstone  being 
happily  united,  thus,  as  it  were,  killing  two  birds 
with  one  stone. 

But  how  sad  it  is  to-day  to  contemplate  the 
situation  occupied  by  Henry,  forced  thus  to  rum- 
mage the  kingdom  for  the  dust  of  two  murdered 
princes,  that  he  might,  by  unearthing  a  most 
wicked  crime,  prevent  the  success  of  a  young 
pretender,  and  yet  fearing  to  do  so  lest  he  might 
call  the  attention  of  the  police  to  the  royal  record 
of  homicide,  regicide,  fratricide,  and  germicide  ! 

Most  cruel  of  all  this  sad  history,  perhaps,  was 
the  execution  of  Stanley,  the  king's  best  friend 
in  the  past,  who  had  saved  his  life  in  battle  and 
crowned  him  at  Bosworth.  In  an  unguarded 
moment  he  had  said  that  were  he  sure  the  young 
man  was  as  he  claimed.  King  Edward's  son,  he — 
Stanley — would  not  fight  against  him.  For  this 
purely  unpartisan  remark  he  yielded  up  his  noble 
life  in  1495. 

Warbeck  for  some  time  went  about  trying  to 
organize  cheap  insurrections,  with  poor  success 

j6* 


1 86  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 

until  he  reached  Scotland,  where  James  IV.  en- 
dorsed him,  and  told  him  to  have  his  luggage  sent 
up  to  the  castle.  James  also  presented  his  sister 
Catherine  as  a  spouse  to  the  giddy  young  scion 
of  the  Flemish  calico  counter.  James  also  as- 
sisted Perkin,  his  new  brother-in-law,  in  an  inva- 
sion of  England,  which  failed,  after  which  the 
pretender  gave  himself  up.  He  was  hanged 
amid  great  applause  at  Tyburn,  and  the  Earl  of 
Warwick,  with  whom  he  had  planned  to  escape, 
was  beheaded  at  Tower  Hill.  Thus,  in  1499,  per- 
ished the  last  of  the  Plantagenets  of  the  male 
kind. 

Henry  hated  war,  not  because  of  its  cruelty 
and  horrors,  but  because  it  was  expensive.  He 
was  one  of  the  most  parsimonious  of  kings,  and 
often  averted  war  in  order  to  prevent  the  wear 
and  tear  on  the  cannon.  He  managed  to  acquire 
two  million  pounds  sterling  from  the  reluctant  tax- 
payer, yet  no  monarch  ever  received  such  a  uni- 
versal consent  when  he  desired  to  pass  away.  If 
any  regret  was  felt  anywhere,  it  was  so  deftly 
concealed  that  his  death,  to  all  appearance,  gave 
general  and  complete  satisfaction. 

After  a  reign  of  twenty-four  years  he  was  suc- 
ceeded by  his  second  son,  Henry,  in  1509,  the 
elder  son,  Arthur,  having  died  previously. 

It  was  during  the  reign  of  Henry  VII.  that  John 
and  Sebastian  Cabot  were  fitted  out  and  discov- 


DISORDER  STILL    THE  POPULAR  FAD.       1 87 


ered  North  America 
in  1497,  which  paved 
the  way  for  the  sub- 
sequent depopula- 
tion of  Africa,  Italy, 
and  Ireland.  South 
America  had  been 
discovered  the  year 
before  by  Columbus. 
Henry  VII.  was  also 
the  father  of  the 
English  navy. 

The  accession  of 
Henry  VIII.  was  now 
hailed  with  great  re- 
joicing. He  was 
but  eighteen  years 
of  age,  but  hand- 
some and  smart. 
He    soon    married 


Catherine    of    Ara-     ' 


goi^> 


the   widow   of 


A    RELUCTANT  TAX-PAYER. 


his  brother  Arthur.  She  was  six  years  his  senior, 
and  he  had  been  betrothed  to  her  under  duress  at 
his  eleventh  year. 

A  very  fine  snap-shot  reproduction  of  Henry 
VIII.  and  Catherine  in  holiday  attire,  from  an  old 
daguerreotype  in  the  author's  possession,  will  be 
found  upon  the  following  page. 


1 88  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 

Henry  VIII.  ordered  his  father's  old  lawyers, 
Empson  and  Dudley,  tried  and  executed  for  being 
too  diligent  in  business.  He  sent  an  army  to 
recover  the  lost  English  possessions  in  France, 
but  in  this  was  unsuccessful.  He  then  deter- 
mined to  organize  a  larger  force,  and  so  he  sent 
to  Calais  fifty  thousand  men,  where  they  were 


HENRY  VIII.  AND  CATHERINE. 


joined  by  Maximilian.  In  the  battle  which  soon 
followed  with  the  French  cavalry,  they  lost  their 
habitual  sang-froid  and  m9st  of  their  hand-bag- 
gage in  a  wild  and  impetuous  flight.  It  is  still 
called  the  Batde  of  the  Spurs.  This  was  in  15 13. 
In  the  report  of  the  engagement  sent  to  the 
king,  nothing  was  said  of  the  German  emperor 
for  the  reason,  as  was  said  by  the  commander, 
**  that  he  does  not  desire  notice,  and,  in  fact,  Max- 


igo  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 

imilian  objections  to  the  use  of  his  name."  This 
remark  still  furnishes  food  for  thought  on  rainy 
days  at  Balmoral,  and  makes  the  leaden  hours  go 
gayly  by. 

During  the  year  15 13  the  Scots  invaded  Eng- 
land under  James,  but  though  their  numbers  were 
superior,  they  were  sadly  defeated  at  Flodden 
Field,  and  when  the  battle  was  over  their  king 
and  the  flower  of  their  nobility  lay  dead  upon  the 
scene. 

Wolsey,  who  was  made  cardinal  in  1 5 1 5  by  the 
Pope,  held  a  tremendous  influence  over  the  young 
king,  and  indirectly  ruled  the  country.  He  osten- 
sibly presented  a  humble  demeanor,  but  in  his 
innermost  soul  he  was  the  haughtiest  human 
being  that  ever  concealed  beneath  the  cloak  of 
humility  an  inflexible,  tough,  and  durable  heart. 

On  the  death  of  Maximilian,  Henry  had  some 
notion  of  preempting  the  vacant  throne,  but  soon 
discovered  that  Charles  V.  of  Spain  had  a  prior 
lien  to  the  same,  and  thus,  in  1520,  this  new 
potentate  became  the  greatest  power  in  the  civil- 
ized world.  It  is  hard  to  believe  in  the  nineteenth 
or  twentieth  century  that  Spain  ever  had  any  in- 
fluence with  anybody  of  sound  mind,  but  such  the 
veracious  historian  tells  us  was  once  the  case. 

Francis,  the  French  king,  was  so  grieved  and 
mortified  over  the  success  of  his  Spanish  rival 
that   he   turned   to    Henry  for   comfort,   and   at 


THE  FIBLD  OF  THE  CLOTH  OF  GOLD. 


192  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 

Calais  the  two  disgruntled  monarchs  spent  a 
fortnight  jousting,  tourneying,  in-falling,  out-fall- 
ing, merry-making,  swashbuckling,  and  general 
acute  gastritis. 

It  was  a  magnificent  meeting,  however,  Wolsey 
acting  as  costumer,  and  was  called  ''The  Field 
of  the  Cloth  of  Gold."  Large,  portly  men  with 
whiskers  wore  purple  velvet  opera-cloaks  trimmed 
with  fur,  and  Gainsborough  hats  with  ostrich  feath- 
ers worth  four  pounds  apiece  (sterling).  These 
corpulent  warriors,  who  at  Calais  shortly  before 
had  run  till  overtaken  by  nervous  prostration  and 
general  debility,  now  wore  more  millinery  and 
breastpins  and  slashed  velvet  and  satin  facings 
and  tinsel  than  the  most  successful  and  highly 
painted  and  decorated  courtesans  of  that  period. 

The  treaty  here  made  with  so  much  pyrotech- 
nical  display  and  eclat  and  hand-embroidery  was 
soon  broken,  Charles  having  caught  the  ear  of 
Wolsey  with  a  promise  of  the  papal  throne  upon 
the  death  of  Leo  X.,  which  event  he  joyfully 
anticipated. 

Henry,  in  1521,  scored  a  triumph  and  earned 
the  title  of  Defender  of  the  Faith  by  writing  a 
defence  of  Catholicism  in  answer  to  an  article 
written  by  Martin  Luther  attacking  it.  Leo  died 
soon  after,  and,  much  to  the  chagrin  of  Wolsey, 
was  succeeded  by  Adrian  VI. 

War  was  now  waged  with  France  by  the  new 


HENRY   WRITES   A   TREATISE   IN    DEFENCE   OF   THE   CATHOLIC   CHURCH. 


194  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND. 

alliance  of  Spain  and  England ;  but  success  waited 
not  upon  the  English  arms,  while,  worse  than  all, 
the  king  was  greatly  embarrassed  for  want  of  more 
scudii.  Nothing  can  be  more  pitiful,  perhaps,  than 
a  shabby  king  waiting  till  all  his  retainers  have 
gone  away  before  he  dare  leave  the  throne,  fear- 
ing that  his  threadbare  retreat  may  not  be  pro- 
tected. Henry  tried  to  wring  something  from 
Parliament,  but  without  success,  even  aided  by 
that  practical  apostle  of  external  piety  and  in- 
ternal intrigue,  Wolsey.  The  latter,  too,  had  a 
second  bitter  disappointment  in  the  election  of 
Clement  VII.  to  succeed  Adrian,  and  as  this  was 
easily  traced  to  the  chicanery  of  the  emperor, 
who  had  twice  promised  the  portfolio  of  pontiff 
to  Wolsey,  the  latter  determined  to  work  up 
another    union   between    Henry   and   France   in 

1523- 
War,  however,  continued  for  some  time  with 

Francis,  till,  in  1525,  he  was  defeated  and  taken 

prisoner.     This  gave  Henry  a  chance  to  figure 

with  the  queen    regent,  the   mother  of  Francis, 

and  a  pleasant  treaty  was  made  in   1526.     The 

Pope,  too,  having  been  captured  by  the  emperor, 

Henry  and  Francis  agreed  to  release  and  restore 

him  or  perish  on  the  spot.     Quite  a  well-written 

and  beguiling  account  of  this  alliance,  together 

with  the  Anne  Boleyn  affair,  will  be  found  in  the 

succeeding  chapter. 


APPENDIX. 


WHILE  Mr.  Nye  was  prevented  from  writing 
by  illness,  the  artist  proceeded  with  the 
drawing  of  subjects  which  would  obviously  need 
to  be  illustrated  in  the  progress  of  the  history. 

As  the  pictures  so  made  are  quite  numerous, 
and  have  merit  and  humor  of  their  own,  indepen- 
dently of  the  text,  they  will  doubtless  be  appre- 
ciated by  readers  of  the  work,  for  whose  benefit 
they  have  been  inserted  in  the  following  pages. 


I9S 


HENRY  VIII.   PLUNDERING  THE  CHURCHES  AND   MONASTERIES  OF  THEIR   POSSESSIONS. 


AFTER  THE  DEATH  OF  JANE  SEYMOUR,  HENRY  VIII.  TURNED  HIS  ATTENTION  TO  THE 
SELECTION  OF  A  NEW  QUEEN,  DECiniNG  ON  ANNE  OF  CLH.VES,  A  PROTESTANT  PRIN- 
CESS WITH  WHOSE  PORTKAir  HE  HAD  BEEN  HIGHLY  PLEASED.  THE  ORIGINAL  SO 
GREATLY    DISAPPOINTED    HIM    THAT    HE   SOON    DIVORCED    HER. 


BDWARD   VI 


MTAT.    TEN    YEAKS,    WHOSI 


ATTENTION    TO 


SUCCESSOR   TO    HENRY    VIII 
"o%ilT^lT7-53)^    """^    GENTLENESS    OF   HIS     DISPOSXTIo'n    MaI-h"  HIM '^MUC^H   BE- 


QUEBN  ELIZABETH   (1558-1603). 


SIR   WALTER    RALEIGH. 


QUEBN  ELIZABETH   SIGNING  THE   DEATH-WARRANT  OF  MARY  QUBBN  OF  SCOTS,  1587. 


TH   OF  QUBBN   ELIZABETH,  MARCH    24,  1603.      FOR   TEN    DAYS   PREVIOUS  TO   HER   DEATH   SHE   LAV 
UPON   THE   FLOOR   SUPPORTED   BY   CUSHIONS. 


EFFIGY  OF  GUY  FAWKBS. 


THE  SCOTCH   COULD   NOT   ENDUKK   ARCHBISHOP   LAUD's   RITUALISTIC   PRACTICBS, 
AND   JENNY    GHDUES    THKEW    A   STOOL    AT    HIS    HEAD. 


--  «*■■■  «-^ 


SIR  WALTER  RALEIGH,  AT  HIS  EXECUTION,  ASKED  TO  EXAMINE  THE  AXE.  HE  POISED  IT,  AND 
RUNNING  HIS  THUMB  ALONG  THE  EDGE,  SAID,  WITH  A  SMILE,  "THIS  IS  SHARP  MEDICINE," 
ETC.  (1618). 


PRINCE  CHARLES  AND  BUCKINGHAM  TRAVEL  TO  SPAIN  IN  DISGUISE,  SO  THAT  THE  FORMES   MIGHT 
PAY  HIS  ADDRESSES  IN  PERSON  TO  THE  INFANTA. 


CHARLES   I.    FORCBD  TO  GIVE  HIS  ASSENT  TO   THE   "  PETITION  OF  RIGHTS"   (l 


OLIVHK    CHUMWELL. 


EARL  OF  STRAFFORD   RECEIVING   LAUD's   BLESSING   ON  THE  WAY   TO   EXECUTION   (1641). 


^t 


TFK  DEATH    OF    MAKY    REVIVED   THE    HOPES   OF   THE    FlUHNDS   OF  JAMES   11.,   AND 
CONSPIRACIES    WERE   FORMED. 


DUKE   OF    MARLBOROUGH. 


GEORGE   FOX. 


GENERAL   BANKRUPTCY    AND   RUIN   FOLLOWED   THE   CLOSING   OF   THE   EXCHEQUER   OR 
TREASURY    BY   CHARLFS    II.    (1673). 


CHARLES  II. 


DUKE  OF   MONMOUTH    IMPLORING   FORGIVENESS  OF  JAMES  II.    (1685). 


CHARLES  II.   CONCEALED  IN   THE  "  ROYAL  OAK,"    WHILE   HIS  PURSUERS  PASSED 
UNDER   HIM   (1651). 


oliver  cromwell  in  dissolving  parliament  seized  the  mace,  exclaimincs. 
"take  away  this  bauble  1"    (1653.) 


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